Public bathrooms are a necessary evil for all of us sometimes, and you can bet a lot of weird things go on in them. When you gotta go, you gotta go, and you never know who you’re going to be sharing that enclosed space with.
If these stories are any indication, this is just another good reminder to do your business and get the hell out as quickly as possible.
AskReddit users shared their weird tales.
1. Free hat!
“I was at a Festival in NSW a few years ago and saw the wildest thing at one of the portable portable troughs (that counts as a public restroom, right?).
It was right at the end of the night, just after the last band had played, so my mate and I went for a piss. As we did, some poor souls hat had fallen into the trough (probably a few hours prior to us being there, it was drenched in piss), so we thought hey, a target, and started aiming at it.
As we do, we hear some bloke, very happily yelling, making friends, saying gday to everyone as he made his way over to the trough. Clearly very very high (MDMA I’m guessing), we walks in, stands between me and my mate, let’s out a “Gday boys how are we?!” And throws his arms over our shoulders. Bit weird cause we had our d%cks out, but ultimately a bit of harmless, spontaneous mateship.
Until he notices the hat we were still in the process of pissing on. He glances at it for just a second, then yells, “Fuck yeah, free hat!” Before slapping through my piss trail, grabbing it, and slapping it on his head with the most unforgettable squelch I have ever heard. He looks at me, stares me dead in the eye while beads of literal piss begin to roll down his forehead, and lets out what can only be described as spongebob’s laugh if he had been of a four day bender.
Then just walked off into the crowd. My mate and I stood laughing in shock for a few minutes before we could process what the f*ck we just saw.
Funniest part was that he didn’t even piss, think he was just too cooked and distracted by his new found piece of attire.
God bless you, piss hat man, wherever you may be.”
2. That is pretty bad.
“I had the pleasure of hearing some poor soul trying to pass a kidney stone in a movie theater restroom.
His screams would have scared the sh^t out of me if that wasn’t why I was in there in the first place.”
3. Stay out of this one.
“At a heavy metal concert (Fear Factory/Ministry/Meshuggah) and I’m in the stall p*opin. Concert hasn’t started yet. I hear this convo out by the urinals:
“Oh uhh. Sorry man “
“‘salright. It’s a nice cock, isn’t it?”
4. Doesn’t seem very professional.
“Worked for a really Large company and decided to use the restroom near the boardroom (more private).
When I walked in, one of our board members is at a urinal wearing a suit and jacket, with his pants and undies dropped all the way to the ground.
Apparently that is how this 70 year old man has peed his entire life.
5. You saved the day.
“This girl was moaning in the stall next to me and I assumed she was rubbing one out so I walked by without looking.
She called out “help!” It turns out she was moaning in pain and she was having a medical emergency.
I called an ambulance.”
6. A good guy.
“I was at a goth club and I was nauseous because I drank too many gin and tonics, so I went to the bathroom to take a sh^t.
My stomach hurt so I was rubbing my belly like a cartoon character as I waited for a stall to open.
A gay Asian guy in bondage gear (not odd for the location) walked up to me and said “Oh honey, stomach ulcers?” and gave me a hug and patted my back. I didn’t have a stomach ulcer but I was very compelled to hug back because I appreciated the sympathy.
He then walked off without saying anything else.
Seemed like a good guy.”
7. “Ask your mom.”
“I was in the bathroom of a movie theatre peeing in a urinal when I felt something tug on my shirt. I turned around and there was this little kid (had to be younger than 5).
He asked if I could hold him up so he can pee in the urinal next. We are the only ones in this bathroom and I’m peeing hard because I just got out of a movie.
I had such a Dad moment though because I said “Ask your mom.” He said ok and skipped out of the bathroom. I didn’t even wash my hands, I just wanted to be out of there before a Dateline camera crew showed up.”
8. Oops, my bad.
“Not necessarily a public restroom. I worked at a financial company with over 2000 people in one office. There are around 10 different bathrooms in the building, all with multiple stalls/urinals. Anyway…
I was on my break and ran to the bathroom to relieve myself. I saw someone in one of the stalls because feet and doors were closed. As I walk up to the urinal, I hear the guy sneeze. I say “Bless you” like people do for some reason. Guy in the stall hits me back with. “That wasn’t a sneeze.”
I just left and went to a different bathroom.”
9. Keeping it weird.
“Was pissing at a urinal and the guy next to me said “Don’t judge me, I’m a grower not a shower!”
I mostly ignored him, then he asked me if I wanted to buy some weed from him. But before I could answer (which would have been no) he said “well it isn’t real weed, it’s F*ke weed, doesn’t actually get you high. It’s what I smoke when I’m practicing guitar.”
Keep it weird Austin.”
10. Meet Uncle d%ck.
“My first time going to the Sturgis motorcycle rally.
Was told to meet my new friend Dave and his friend “Uncle d%ck” at the TA in Rogers, MN. I ride my bike there and go inside to piss. There’s an old man inside already taking a leak, I say, “You must be Uncle d%ck?”
He SWITCHES HANDS, TURNS HALF WAY AROUND, AND REACHES OUT TO SHAKE MY HAND.
“I’ll just wait until you’re done!”
My best trip to the rally yet.”
11. The great escape.
“Once upon a time I was in Europe and accidentally locked myself inside of a stall that had a toilet I couldn’t figure out how to flush, and then a door I couldn’t figure out how to open.
I had to climb over the stalls because the gap wasn’t big enough below.
So I’m making my great escape and some dude walks up to the stall and I make a small noise he looks up and I just hope he has forgotten it by now.”
12. Would you care for some pineapple?
“Was using the urinal in the Port Authority men’s room when some random guy walks up behind me and says, in a raspy voice, “Hey kid… I like your hair!” Still peeing, I turn around and say thanks, and he says, “You like pineapple?” Caught off guard I ask, “What? Pineapple?” At this point I’m zipping my pants back up and starting to turn around to face him. He then points to underneath the wall of the first bathroom stall to a black plastic bag, like one from the liquor store, and says, “Yeah! You wanna buy one? I got one right there — it’s delicious!”
Sure enough, there’s a black plastic bag with a pineapple sticking out of it on the floor of the Port Authority men’s room. I told him I was allergic to pineapple, he seemed shocked and, quite frankly, really sad that I couldn’t eat his delicious pineapple, and we parted ways.”
13. End of days…
“I was in a stall at work browsing reddit after using the toilet and just killing time until my break was over.
When what can I only tell was a somewhat older man shuffling his way over to the stall next to mine. He then lets out a thunderous F*rt and sits on the toilet and moans out “oh dear god it’s the end of days.”
I immediately put myself together and left that restroom before I heard any more.”
14. Took a nosedive.
“Not me but it happened to my son. He was about 4 maybe 5 at the time. We were on vacation in San Francisco CA. We were on fisherman’s wharf and my son and I went in to use the restroom. It was cool and rainy day and the tile floors were wet. We go in a stall so he could pee as all the urinals were taller than him. So he drops trou and hikes up his shirt and jacket and saddles up to the toilet and he starts peeing. Well he is on his tippy toes and all of a sudden he is head first in the toilet. He slipped and nose dived into the toilet.
He was soaked head to waist. I get him out of the toilet. I’m struggling so hard trying not to laugh. I get him out and strip his shirt and jacket off of him and just put them in the trash and wash and dry him off. Take my jacket and put it on him. He’s crying and I’m dying from laughter inside.
We get out of the bathroom and head to the nearest store and get him a new shirt and jacket. Then find my wife and daughter. Who both proceeded to ask why he was in all new clothes. Them once I tell them they start laughing.
He still hates when I bring up the time he fell into the toilet at fisherman’s wharf.”
Some of those make me never want to use a public bathroom again as long as I live.
What about you? Have you ever had strange/weird/awkward/funny things happen to you in a restroom out in public?
Share your own stories with us in the comments. It’s time to get weird!