Ah, Twitter. What would we do without it? Scream at each other about politics in person? That’s a lot of work. Plus it’s dangerous. Much safer to do that sort of thing with our thumbs while in the comfort of our own toilet. And of course, Twitter isn’t JUST the home for the world’s most nuanced and productive political discourse, it’s also a place for lots of good jokes, like these!
Here are fourteen random Twitter jokes you can read in the bathroom or wherever.
14. It’s kind of a lot
I literally sweat the entire way there.
Do you get anxiety going new places not knowing the parking situation or are you normal?
— Ali Jordan (@Ali_jordan1) July 22, 2020
Judging by your use of the word “their,” I’m guessing this would apply to your current state.
Their should be a feature that’s like “sent from my iPhone” but instead it says “sent after three glasses of wine”
— Danny Murphy (@kashmeredanny) July 20, 2020
12. Never say forever
You can’t trust anybody these days and it’s disgusting.
Just saw on Facebook that a girl I went to high school with married some guy despite writing <3 U 4 eva in my yearbook and not talking to me for the last 15 years. Real nice, Brenda.
— Ryan Patricks (@Ryan_Patricks) July 3, 2018
11. Duck and roll
I’m having a quack snack attack.
inside my stomach there is a little duck who demands bread
— carter hambley (@carterhambley) October 22, 2019
10. Bird brained
Like an iceberg, this goes deeper than you can even imagine.
me: how come penguins can’t fly
zookeeper: their bodies are too heav-
me: is it because god fears them
me: did god make them heavy birds because they’re his only weakness
zookeeper: [whispering] shut your fucking mouth if you know what's good for u
— Kellen (@captainkalvis) June 4, 2019
9. Serving up stories
Gotta hit that word count one way or another.
Wife: Can you print out that Pinterest recipe for me?
Me: HOLD ON I'M AT THE PART WHERE HER ANCESTORS ARE CROSSING OVER ON THE MAYFLOWER
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) December 5, 2019
8. Crunching numbers
“It’s like this sophisticated algorithm KNOWS me!”
I saw a girl post her Spotify top artists on her Instagram story with the caption “so accurate”. Like yeah it’s accurate… it’s literally data
— m (@manster_mash) December 5, 2019
7. Slice of life
Very brave of her to use her final breath to deliver this news. F in the chat.
Girlfriend is just a tiny bit dramatic pic.twitter.com/Agos2FBvB9
— C H A R L I E (@charlieSuch98) July 27, 2020
6. Fishing for compliments
Yeah but did you see how thoroughly medium-sized the fish was?
No girl has actually seen a picture of a man holding a fish and thought “he has a lot of talent and skill and seems really adventurous and fun, I would like to have sex with him” so maybe let’s stop doing that
— Alyssa Schoener (@alyssa_schoener) July 27, 2020
5. Checks and balances
(There are functionally identical and much cheaper alternatives to Apple products…just sayin.’)
Im first world poor. Which means I have an iPhone and a MacBook just so I can go online and check that I have $5 left in my bank account
— Danielle Ivgi (@deenoony) January 26, 2019
4. Sweep me off my feet
Well that doesn’t suck.
I never expected that I would get such an adrenaline rush doing a blind sweep under the couch with the vacuum but this is my life now.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) September 27, 2019
3. Small talk
I’d choose pasta any day.
— Abby (@abby_lnghn) August 1, 2019
2. Key to my heart
How old is that car anyway? Is this kid a time traveler?
I’ll be frustrated at first but then I would say let’s go do momma car too
— O K E O M A (@OkeomaOnyemelie) February 18, 2019
1. Scream time
The important thing is that your system works for you.
My nightly skin care routine is crying into a pillow before or after staring at my phone for 3 hours and occasionally dropping it on my face.
— Hannah Berner (@beingbernz) June 27, 2020
Without jokes on Twitter, we’d have to find jokes out in the wild like our ancestors did, and that sounds exhausting. So here’s to all the wonderful funny people who continue to supply us with these golden tweets. Keep up the great work.
Who are the funniest people on Twitter in you opinion?
Tell us in the comments.