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Ah, Twitter. What would we do without it? Scream at each other about politics in person? That’s a lot of work. Plus it’s dangerous. Much safer to do that sort of thing with our thumbs while in the comfort of our own toilet. And of course, Twitter isn’t JUST the home for the world’s most nuanced and productive political discourse, it’s also a place for lots of good jokes, like these!

Here are fourteen random Twitter jokes you can read in the bathroom or wherever.

14. It’s kind of a lot

I literally sweat the entire way there.

13. iDrink

Judging by your use of the word “their,” I’m guessing this would apply to your current state.

12. Never say forever

You can’t trust anybody these days and it’s disgusting.

11. Duck and roll

I’m having a quack snack attack.

10. Bird brained

Like an iceberg, this goes deeper than you can even imagine.

9. Serving up stories

Gotta hit that word count one way or another.

8. Crunching numbers

“It’s like this sophisticated algorithm KNOWS me!”

7. Slice of life

Very brave of her to use her final breath to deliver this news. F in the chat.

6. Fishing for compliments

Yeah but did you see how thoroughly medium-sized the fish was?

5. Checks and balances

(There are functionally identical and much cheaper alternatives to Apple products…just sayin.’)

4. Sweep me off my feet

Well that doesn’t suck.

3. Small talk

I’d choose pasta any day.

2. Key to my heart

How old is that car anyway? Is this kid a time traveler?

1. Scream time

The important thing is that your system works for you.

Without jokes on Twitter, we’d have to find jokes out in the wild like our ancestors did, and that sounds exhausting. So here’s to all the wonderful funny people who continue to supply us with these golden tweets. Keep up the great work.

Who are the funniest people on Twitter in you opinion?

Tell us in the comments.


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