A long time ago, in another universe entirely, twitter.com was a place where you’d tell your friends what books you were reading and where you went for lunch. Now it’s a place to scream at each other about politics and vent our existential dread in funny little quips.
Let’s celebrate that shift with a few selections from Diply’s excellent round-up of great snippets from the ladies of twitter.
1. But water’s included, so that’s cool
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I'm 80
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) April 30, 2019
2. For just the price of a cup of coffee, you can have coffee
[drinking a cup of coffee for 3 minutes temporarily forgetting about every other part of my life]
things are really going great for me
— Sweatpants Cher ⚫️ (@House_Feminist) January 16, 2020
3. We can also multitask
men be like I’m bilingual I speak English and over women
— Arely (@arelygabriela_) January 13, 2020
4. Here’s a sentence you never thought you’d read
thinkin about how i got catfished on neopets by someone pretending to be hilary duff. humbling experience.
— Sarah Hagi (@geekylonglegs) January 7, 2020
5. “Ma’am, you’re holding up the line.”
me: i'm a very private person
me: so i'll start by describing some of my lighter traumas before i get into the really dark stuff
— ugly & sad ● (@SpookyGothLoser) January 7, 2020
6. Ya’ll both need to get away from each other
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
— princesscryanna (@princesscryanna) January 18, 2020
7. I too suffer from resting honest face
Do you ever just forget to hide your expressions for a minute and then you’re like woah I did not mean to make that face out loud
— ? (@loveIyfeels) December 30, 2019
8. What’ll it be tonight?
my sleeping pattern isn't even a pattern anymore it's a freestyle
— aspen? (@abrokebeyonce) December 13, 2019
9. Also there’s a delay so you live here now
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) May 23, 2018
10. The robots haven’t quite figured us out
which auto response should i send back to my dentist? pic.twitter.com/eSmIz1OO7w
— corinne caputo (@corintellectual) December 5, 2018
11. It’s pretty easy to tell which one I am
Gatorade is a drink for both world class athletes and hungover drunks who don’t know how they got home last night. There’s no middle ground. Nobody is drinking Gatorade because their day was fine. You either brought home the state championship or woke up in a state prison.
— Samantha Ruddy (@samlymatters) December 29, 2018
12. This should be a felony
I've never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that's running 15 minutes over time.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 1, 2019
13. Clothes weren’t meant to touch us
i’ve worn oversized t-shirts so much that i suffocate if i wear one that actually fits
— IG: mollieavesonn? (@mollieavesonn) December 15, 2018
14. You’ve earned it
Did a squat today don’t mind if I take off work tmr I’m calling in thicc
— kim sum (@k1mfucious) March 4, 2019
15. Just go home at that point
oh boy ever spill a little bit of your coffee and realize the thread you are hanging on by is actually quite thin
— aubrey (@aubreybell) December 5, 2019
Who are your go to’s for funny women on Twitter?
Let us know who we should follow in the comments!