I’ve got some breaking news coming across my desk right now…
It says here that relationships are not always easy or perfect.
I know this may be shocking, but stay with us as more develops. Here with their take are the people of Ask Reddit:
Reddit? What say you?
1. Ebb and flow
The eb and flow of it all.
As a teen you chase the butterflies high of relationships. As an adult you have to learn that as your hormones settle, you need settle too and not constantly be seeking the highs and creating conflict to achieve them. Even though the highs are addicting. You need to learn to be good with the chill times.. The comfort. The ease.
Don’t lose the butterflies completely, of course.. But don’t create them with negative behavior. Create them by pulling your partner in for a long passionate kiss instead of the normal goodbye or hello peck. Or by planning a date or a fun new activity to experience together. Keep eachother on your toes in a good way. But be ok when things are just as so.
2. Stay you
Losing your identity within a relationship is easy to do.
Finding it again isn’t.
Remember to keep your friends and hobbies.
3. Embrace the negative
At a certain point, you have to accept some particular negative parts of your partner’s personality or move on.
My husband is almost 50. We’ve been married for over 20 years.
While he will continue to experience personal growth, there are parts of his personality that are likely to not ever change. The same is true for myself, of course.
4. Sacrifice the fantasy
When you decide to commit to your person, you are sacrificing your fantasy of being with them.
In the crushing or beginning stages of a relationship, we are idealizing them as more perfect than they are. But we all have our faults, and in choosing to be together we are met with reality vs. fantasy.
(From The Fundamentalists podcast titled Engagement)
5. Good boring
A lot of it is boring.
The “magical moments” and massive “I love you so much posts” on social media are like 2% of the time.
A majority of a relationship is just everyday living. Your idea of a perfect relationship is the small sliver of it that tv, movies, and social media have led you to believe.
You gotta look forward to sitting on the couch in sweatpants after eating so much stir fry you’re both farting non stop.
6. Kindness is key
Your partner should be kind to you and vice versa. It’s not okay for your partner to scream at you or curse you out or deliberately hurt your feelings.
This isn’t to say that it never ever happens, we all are human and occasionally we mess up. But if they are not consistently kind to you, if they aren’t sorry when they are mean, and if they repeat it then that’s a problem.
If you wouldn’t accept the behavior from a friend then you absolutely should not accept it from a partner. The idea that it’s normal for your partner to be mean to you is so freaking bad and I’ve seen way too many people accept crappy relationships because they think love means never having to say sorry and that getting screamed at is acceptable.
7. No other halves
You can’t look for someone else to be your “other half”, you have to learn how to be a whole person on your own.
This means being able to take care of your own emotional needs, too.
8. Beware the rose
“When you look at someone with rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.”
It’s easy to dismiss toxic characteristics because of love. Sometimes you won’t get that clarity until you’re a safe distance away.
9. Failure is an option
Sometimes things don’t work. Even if both parties are objectively wonderful people. Even if they love each other and enjoy their lives together.
Sometimes things just get in the way and force you to make a hard choice.
10. Watch out for contradictions
Lots of people are actually looking for contradictions in relationships.
As Bo Burnham put it, you want someone insanely hot, but not someone obsessed with their looks. You want someone sensitive but not weak.
A lot of people want someone who won’t use them for anything, but who they can use themselves to fulfill their own needs or desires.
I think the worst part of growing up for me has been the utter realization that lots of people want to use who they can to fit their own ends. It’s not exactly always malicious, just practical; you grow more sensible as you age and so you’re less willing to tolerate relationships of any kind where you don’t derive some sort of benefit.
The result for me has been that I’m less trusting and more guarded which only hinders finding genuine connections in love or friendship.
11. No guarantees
People keep changing as their life goes on, and there are no guarantees that you and your partner will change in compatible ways.
Someone can be your soulmate today, but in a year the person they’ve become may not be the soulmate of the person you’ve become.
While you shouldn’t simply give up on a relationship the moment you hit a rough patch, you also shouldn’t let a happy past keep you in a miserable present.
12. Cheaters gonna cheat
If someone is gunna cheat, there is no stopping them by checking their phone, messages, where they go or whatever.
They r gunna cheat regardless
13. Right and wrong
Wrong person, right time is a thing, but so is right person, wrong time.
And sometimes things just aren’t meant at all.
14. No control
The person you’re going to “spend every day of the rest of your life with” will be the person who…
Is ok with you not wanting to hang out because you are hanging out with your friends or partaking in a “hobby day”.
Doesn’t get mad if you can’t interact with them 24/7/365.
Challenges you to be better…as a partner, at work, in your hobby, as a parent, as a friend…in literally everything. But challenges you not out of shame or self worth, but because they motivate you (this is a key).
Maybe doesn’t share your interests but is willing to listen to you discuss them.
And likewise, you do the same for them.
Relationships can work based on mutual respect and connection, but the person next to you might not be your “soulmate” – just someone you care about and get along with.
Pretty good relationship advice all around. Now if only I could get back into one…
What else would you add?
Tell us in the comments.