Marriage – for better or worse, sure, but you might not be prepared for the creepy factor that can sometimes come along with both options.
These 15 people are, though, and reading their stories just might convince you to put a hold on that proposal (or acceptance).
Or, if you’re already married, at least you’ll know you aren’t alone.
15. I mean, curiosity isn’t a bad thing.
Secretly pulled our midwife aside after our son was born and asked if he could “squeeze the placenta”.
14. It’s good to keep the other people on their toes.
My wife will hide for quite a while to scare the sh^t out of me; I mean 10-20 minutes to catch me off guard. For awhile it happened when I got out of the shower.
It got so bad that I would creep out of the shower and look for her all over the house in nothing but a towel and a judo pose. There were a few times I searched all over the house only to find out she had left to go shopping.
Edit: Thanks for the upvotes! I’m glad to see I’m not alone in this…
13. That’s true love right there.
My wife has problems sleeping and tends to talk (mumble) in her sleep. The worst, however, is when she sits bolt upright screaming. This happens once or twice a year. I’ve also woken up to her kneeling on her pillow, batting at something on the wall, and making frustrated sounds.
12. That’s not what he was hoping for.
My wife has muttered in her sleep before. Nothing very intelligible. But one night about a year ago I came in after she was already asleep, and started getting undressed.
“Hi honey!” she says in the cheeriest, most awake voice you can imagine. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t faintly hoped, at this point, that I might be about to get lucky.
“Hi? What are you still doing awake? It’s after midnight.”
No answer. I put on my pajamas.
“Honey?” she says, as if to get my attention.
“You’re gonna burn…”
I slept with one eye open that night. She did not remember in the morning.
11. She’s definitely hosting a demon or an alien.
My wife speaks in a different language in her sleep. A completely formed language, with repeating words, clear articulation, sentence formation and proper cadence – but not of this world. She says that her parents told her she’s been doing this since she learned to talk. She even responds to questions in her sleep… in the other language.
10. I assume you’ve asked what he’s dreaming about…
He sometimes makes sounds like The Predator in his sleep. It is not a good sound to wake up to. I wake up in terror every single time, and he’s still out cold, clicking and drooling away.
9. This is more cute than creepy.
My wife occasionally tries to make visual contact with my butthole. She’s never made any kind of sexual advance in that sense. Just every once in a while I’ll catch her sneaking up on me when I’m naked or changing with this goofy look on her face. I’m sure she only does this because I act super self-conscious of my b*tt area. Usually I’ll notice her and run away giggling.
She’s yet to be able to confirm visually whether or not I actually have a butthole, which I guess means I’m winning.
8. We always speak the truth when we’re asleep.
I woke up around 3AM after having a nightmare about a ghost. I woke my SO for comfort, but he turned to me and said, totally serious, “there are no such things as ghosts, just giant mothmen that take you away while you’re sleeping.” He remembered nothing the next morning.
7. I can’t believe he didn’t run away screaming.
My wife occasionally talks in her sleep. About a month into dating her, I was woken up by her telling me that sometimes she likes to ‘take d%cks and snap them like this’ complete with a motion not too dissimilar to breaking a pencil in half. Thankfully, my d%ck remains unsnapped to this day.
6. I mean tying knots is a useful skill to have?
I was asleep one night many moons ago when I woke up to find my wife laying next to me with thick rope she had bought from the hardware store teaching herself how to tie the perfect noose……….for Halloween decorations…….in September…… at 3am.
A few years later and I’m still alive…so I have that going for me.
Edit: I forgot to add that her perfect noose ended up hanging from a tree branch overlooking our driveway. My constant reminder leaving and coming home from work that I’m living with an assassin.
5. There might be something wrong with him.
My husband found an app for our pc webcam that allowed him to stream to an ancient flip phone of his. He proceeded to compliment my shirt, ask me why I changed, how my sandwich tasted…it went on for hours. I started fre*king out and thought someone stole his phone and was watching me.
I’d try to call him and he’d refuse to answer the call, or he would pick it up and breathe heavily. It wasn’t until I was on the verge of tears that he decided to call me and explain.
I could have killed the man.
4. Sometimes you just get a wild hair.
One night my spouse got up to get water just as I was starting to fall asleep. When she came back in the room she crawled around the bed to my side, and licked my hand, which was dangling over the edge of the bed. I woke up thinking a dog was in the room, saw her crouching down there and jumped out of the bed. I couldn’t even speak for a minute because of how much it scared me, and she just rolled around on the floor laughing hysterically.
3. She’s married to a cat.
My hair is kind of long and when I brush it, it creates hairballs. I normally just throw them away ASAP but one time I was running late and just left it in the brush. When I got home, my SO was playing with it. I came over to grab it and he refused saying he felt sad throwing it in the trash as it was my hair. He kept it for a few days before he forgot about it so I threw it out.
2. This one takes the cake.
My girlfriend is incredibly talkative in her sleep. She usually says funny sh^t like “tell that jalapeño to put some pants on!” But sometimes the stuff she does gets pretty creepy. One time I was on my iPad and she started laughing in this really thin, stiff, creepy horror movie kind of way and then jolted up (still fully asleep). She proceeded to look around the room pointing and laughing at things in the same creepy way. I could see her actually moving her head seeing something new each time. Then I asked her (since she is very awake in a lucid dream state) what she is laughing at…she says “all the little kids in the room are laughing at me.” Typing it out it doesn’t sound that creepy but I was so fre*ked out I jumped up and bolted to turn on the lights. Didn’t sleep that well that night.
1. That’s one reason he does it, anyway.
Sometimes when I shower I open my eyes to find my husband peeking through the shower curtain staring at me. Always creeps me out, but I think that is why he does it.
Marriage is no joke, y’all! And sometimes you just have to live with your beloved being a creepazoid.
What’s your favorite marriage story? We’re all ears!
Tell us in the comments!