Did you know that “Twitter” is actually an acronym for “Tiny, witty, idiosyncratic talkings to every receiver?” I’ll be you didn’t know that, because it’s nonsense and I just made it up. The letters in Twitter don’t stand for anything.
But Twitter itself stands for a LOT. It stands for information spread, it stands for micro-blogging, it stands for not holding prominent politicians to the same standards as everyone else when it comes to terms of service violations (aHEM), but it ALSO stands for jokes. Lots of good ol’, dumb jokes.
Here’s a brief collection of some such recent jokes. Hope you like ’em!
15. The Turing test
“You spend a lot of your day telling a robot that you’re not a robot. Think about that for two minutes and tell me you don’t want to walk into the ocean.” – John Mulaney
how tf a computer gone ask me if i'm a robot ? bitch you da robot ??
— lemme oht . (@liddlexie) June 10, 2020
14. Statues of limitations
I hadn’t realized it was this important before.
I don't just learn history from statues, I learn EVERYTHING from statues. BIOLOGY: greek gods have peepees sometimes. ANATOMY: girls dont have arms. RELIGION: jesus was big as brazil, VERY scary
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) June 12, 2020
13. Beginning of the end
I think she’s cracked the code.
All I’m fucking saying is that the world started going downhill when Shawn Mendes and Camila posted that kissing video
— maya (@bakingswifts) June 13, 2020
12. Warning signs
— T?m (@sleepy_homo) June 8, 2020
11. Bum bum BUUUUUM
Stretch marks are God’s little pranks.
Stretch marks on my bum but the bum ain’t stretching????
— YorubaPrincess???? (@Simisolaaaa_) June 10, 2020
10. Holy crap
Having been raised in the church, this is also my first instinct.
Somebody said they accidentally screamed “Jesus” at a protest when they said “say his name” ?
— Saint Rems (@RemiOmolosho) June 10, 2020
9. The cycle repeats
Soon you’ll be yelling about lawns.
Regret to inform you that taking up cycling has turned me into a ‘pothole concerns’ voter.
— Ash Sarkar (@AyoCaesar) June 9, 2020
8. Burn notice
“Look, I’m not saying the suspect was old…”
“HOW OLD WAS HE?”
“He looked like if a warm can of sprite was a person” —a late night writer trying to describe the perpetrator to a police sketch artist
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) June 10, 2020
7. Sharing is Karen
We’ve all gotta adjust now.
oh my god. have not introduced myself to anyone in so long that when the USPS automated voice said to record my name for a call back i panicked and said "karen tree" what the fuck
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) June 12, 2020
6. Elmo’s world
Clearly there’s a lot to this story we’re not being told.
absolutely wild that elmo has had a dad this whole time, and that dad allowed elmo to spend the last 40 years running around new york city basically unsupervised.
— Erin bean defender Ryan (@morninggloria) June 6, 2020
5. Let’s get ready to rhombus
I’m still waiting for my ability to find the area of a triangle to come into play.
Why did I have to learn what a rhombus is? literally nothing is rhombus shaped.
— Reeezy (@MsReeezy) June 10, 2020
4. Winter is coming
We like a lot of vowels in a very silly order.
White people have no problem pronouncing Daenerys Targaryen but start stuttering when tryna pronounce Ahmed
— amna (@amnaaxs) June 8, 2020
3. The terminator
Hey, at least he’s not anti-antifa.
Time to call my antifa aarp super soldier on the phone or as I like to call him dad
— Molly Jong-Fast? (@MollyJongFast) June 10, 2020
2. Cobble your way up
Peach it, girl.
Quarantine has taught me a lot about myself. For example, I would marry someone just because they were good at making peach cobbler.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) June 12, 2020
1. Eternally wounded
I second this. Or…(looks at number of likes)…600,802nd this.
I will NEVER forgive y’all for the way y’all acted at the grocery stores those first 3 weeks of quarantine
— stevie wonder ? (@lilliexnicole) June 9, 2020
Now THAT’S what Twitter was made for. By Jesus, I assume. I don’t know, I’m not great at history.
Who are your go-to’s for quality content on Twitter?
Tell us in the comments.