Are you a virgin? There’s no shame in that.
Maybe you’ve remained so because you’re just a little nervous about what the first time will actually be like?
Well, never fear. The people of Reddit are here to put your worries at ease, maybe.
Here’s some friendly advice!
[Fair warning: this is NSFW and super weird.]
1. A soft touch
It can only go in soft so if you have a boner you have to wait for it to go away before trying to get it in.
2. No need
Women automatically orgasm when the man nuts so there’s no need to do anything else to help her get off.
3. The transaction
At the end of s*x, you have to give your partner $200 and say thanks.
Foreplay? More like BOREplay. Don’t bother.
5. Just like the movies!!
Whatever girls seem to like in p*rn, they’ll LOVE in real life!
6. End the search
The clitoris is a myth.
Don’t waste time looking for it
7. Give me a hand
When giving a hand job, grip tightly with both hands and twist in opposite directions rapidly.
You know you’re doing it right when you hear screaming
8. The nose knows
An oft overlooked erogenous zone is the nose. Before the main event, spend 15-20 minutes on a nasal massage.
Make a loud honking noise when pinching the bulb of the nose for a truly erotic experience.
9. Catch some Z’s
Your partner loves it when you get off first and fall asleep.
This applies to any s*x.
10. Hold on tight
While in doggy style grab her hair as hard as you can (don’t pull) then after 30 seconds call her the wrong name and see how long you can stay on the bull.
11. Put on a show
The most important thing about s*x is your entrance to the bedroom.
Experienced s*x professionals will spend more time on their pyrotechnic shows, pre-s*x outfit and finding the right walk up music than any part of intercourse.
I personally like to enter the bedroom on a motorbike shooting fireworks, dressed like Ziggy-era Bowie while a group of chorus girls sing Skid Row’s ‘Rattlesnake Shake’.
– [deleted user]
12. Punch it up
When you’re blowing a guy, and he’s having difficulty c*mming…forcefully punch his b*ll sack repeatedly with your fist
13. It’s a lie
Traditional s*x is a lie.
The woman is suppose to put her entire leg inside of your butt.
Dude, trust me
14. Make ’em pop!
He’s doing it wrong if he’s not almost popping your boobs
15. Wait, what?
Don’t worry about defenses in the early game.
The Zerg probably won’t attack you until you have built up your army.
Just do exactly the opposite of all that and you’ll be just fine.
What bad advice would you add to the list?
Tell us in the comments.