The question on reddit was simple enough…
13,000+ comments later, we have these finely polished gems of embarrassment to peruse.
15. “…ended up freezing his hand to the metal of the gun.”
Not me but my father’s story.
During WWII, my father was a photographer for the 9th Army Air Corps. Most of the time it was ground-based, but occasionally he flew.
During the lead-up to D-Day, he flew multiple missions in a bomber converted to a stereoscopic camera (3D imagery) platform (the bomb bay had been gutted and the camera installed there).
They would overfly France and take pictures until they either ran out of film or the Luftwaffe showed up. To minimize detection they flew alone with the escort fighters circling out over the Channel.
In event of an attack, they’d drop until they were skimming the waves and run for England, passing under the fighters who’d engage the Germans while they fled.
This, of course, didn’t have its risks and on more than one occasion they’d be caught too deep into France or the German fighters would get the drop on them and they’d have to man the guns. Crew size meant even the photographers had to man a gun.
So with all that, here’s the “let’s never speak of this again” moment. They were still at a high altitude. One of the guns jammed and the gunner took off his glove and ended up freezing his hand to the metal of the gun.
He’s yelling for help and my dad goes over and says, “There’s two ways to get your hand off. Either we yank it off and take the skin off your palm, or we use warm liquid. I know of only one source of that…”
“Never tell anybody about this,” was said. Dad didn’t keep his word, and thus was born the often told story of how my father pissed on a crewmate’s hand and the guy thanked him for it.
14. ” I saw that he was butt-naked except for a pair of socks…”
I got up one night to get some water, and found that my teenage son was in the kitchen getting food. He was behind the kitchen counter, so I could only see him from the waist up.
When he came around the counter into the hall, two things happened simultaneously: He noticed me, and his eyes grew wide in horror; and I saw that he was butt-naked except for a pair of socks.
He starts trying to panic-run backwards on the tile floor (imagine Scooby Doo trying to run but getting stuck in place in a flurry of limbs), but ended up slipping and taking a hard seat on the tile. Worst of all, he dropped his Hot Pocket. I made sure he was ok, then went back to bed and laughed my @ss off.
Years later, we were driving and reminiscing about funny memories. I said, “Do you remember that night–” and he cut me off with, “Yes.” I didn’t even have to specify which night. We knew, and we were silent.
13. “Months later, I happened upon my collection…”
My father and I had a pr0n cold war. There has been a tacit agreement never to speak of it, and we haven’t.
When I was a teenager, my mother found my porn stash. Both parents confronted me with it when I got home from school. And of course confiscated it. And of course threw it in the bin.
Or so I thought.
Months later, I happened upon my collection, hidden at the bottom of my dad’s wardrobe. Hidden. From my mother, clearly.
So I took it back and hid it in my bedroom. What’s he going to do? Tell my mother I’d taken the porn he’d hidden from her that he was supposed to have thrown out?
And he found it again. And took it back. And hid it.
And I found it again. And took it back. And hid it.
This went on for years. And it’s never been mentioned.
And it never will be.
12. “Everyone made their best efforts to get very drunk…”
When my best friend died, we figured he would have liked a ‘sky burial’ kind of.
So at the height of the funeral party we released his ashes into heavens with a giant balloon.
After a few meters of flight the string has snapped, and his remains covered the mourning crowd.
Everyone made their best efforts to get very drunk as soon as possible.
We will never speak of this ever.
11. “Because he sneezed a couple small ones, then with one MASSIVE blow…”
The smoking hot guy I met the prior weekend asked me out and, naturally, I said yes. Because I’d just met him, I asked if I could drive, and he said no problem.
On the way to get some grub, we’re cruising along with the perfect tunes playing in the car, windows down, on an absolutely beautiful night. He looks over, I look over…. we’re both just sparkling, you know? It was one of those “moments” where you want to take a mental snapshot.
Aaaaannnd THEN…… I guess we must have driven through an area of something he was allergic to? Because he sneezed a couple small ones, then with one MASSIVE blow, HONKED a HUUUUUGE wad of SNOT aaaaaallllll over my windshield and dashboard!
But, unbelievably, that’s NOT the worst part. Nooooo. He pretended like it DIDN’T HAPPEN, and went about talking, and scooping it up with his HANDS and smearing it ONTO HIS PANTS!
I. Was. BEYOND. Mortified.
I was throwing up in my mouth, my eyes were watering, and he didn’t want me to pull over to get it cleaned up? We had to go to dinner like that, with SNOTTY PANTS!!
Sigh…… I ended up marrying him.
We have NEVER, EVER spoken of it again, not even 40 years later.
10. “My friend woke up and thought I was rubbing one out…”
After a house party when I was a teenager me and my friend both passed out on my bed. About 2/3 hours later I woke up with horrendous cramp in my leg so I’ve sat on the edge of the bed massaging it trying to get rid of it.
My friend woke up and thought I was rubbing one out but got too awkward to ask wtf was going on. He never said anything until the next morning when he was giving me a weird look.
I’d prefer we never speak of it again…he loves twisting the story to any girls on nights out.
9. “…there’s me.. naked, wrapped up in a shower curtain…”
When I was a teenager I got really stoned one day and when I got home I went for a shower. It was only me and my sister in the house. While still incredibly high I got shampoo in my eyes.
In a little panic I slipped and ripped the shower curtain down.. Fell out the bath.. Hit head on radiator and landed with my arm down the toilet.
My sister burst in to see what had made a huge crashing sound, there’s me.. naked, wrapped up in a shower curtain on the floor with my arm down the toilet.
12 years later and it’s never been brought up.
8. “Unfortunately for me I was not home alone…”
15 years old, I wander into the living room in my boxers, hand down the front, enjoying being home alone. President George W. Bush is on TV talking about cloning. With little understanding of what he is talking about, I yell at the top of my lungs, “WE’RE F*CKED!”
When I was home alone and a teenager, I liked to get wacky like this, probably just an outlet of excess energy and my general facade of being a decent kid. Dance around, yell random things, basically if you saw me in private at any point in these years you would have thought I was mentally ill (hell, maybe I am, who can say?)
Unfortunately for me I was not home alone and my mom was in the living room watching this unfold. She yelled at me in shock at my behavior, it was probably top 10 most embarrassed I’ve ever been in my life, and it was never discussed again.
7. “…I no longer have a front bumper.”
Trying to teach my new at the time girlfriend how to drive my manual car. She told me she had done it a few times and knew what she was doing.
Fast forward ten minutes and I no longer have a front bumper. She continues with “I cant believe I did this! You’re friends and family are gonna think I’m an idiot!” I just replied with “I did this” and we haven’t spoke of it since.
Everyone thinks im the idiot.
6. “…suddenly I had an idea of what was going on.”
Some years ago, the toilet in my kids’ bathroom got really clogged. Like impossibly clogged. Nothing, not even one of those toilet snake thingies could unclog it.
It was so bad that I literally took the the toilet bowl apart and removed it from the mounting, determined to see just what the hell clogging it. Finally, after some poking and prodding around, I dislodged a small canister of hairspray – you know those like travel-size versions, about 5 inches high and maybe 1.5 inches in circumference.
Confused ,I asked my son if he knew how that could have gotten in there. He had a horrified look on his face, as if I had dug something up out of a grave. He was about 13 or 14 at the time, so suddenly I had an idea of what was going on. He tried to explain it away as “Oh I was just fooling around and trying to see what I could flush down the toilet, haha,” but I knew his @ss was lying.
I totally knew he was trying to stick that thing up his b*tt and that it fell in. I gave him a look as if to say “I know they truth but I’m not gonna push the matter,” and we never spoke of it again. I covered for him when I spoke to my wife and just told her that I think the kids were just fooling around and it fell in.
5. “Luckily no one was hurt…”
I got into a car accident for the first time in my life when my younger brother was visiting me. I wasn’t paying attention (dumb) to the car in front of me and I rear-ended them pretty hard.
Luckily no one was hurt, we exchanged information, took pictures, but there was no noticeable damage so we left it at that.
I looked at my brother and we both agreed never to bring it up again.
I gave him that car when he turned 18.
4. “I reached into this piss hole, grabbed the partially-dissolved pill…”
At school, this kid and I found a pill on the counter, and we chucked it into a urinal full of piss for whatever reason. About an hour later a teacher pulls me out of class asking what I had found in the bathroom.
Apparently this kid told the school I had found a pill, and the school wanted it. I was taken to the office and they were demanding this pill from me, which I just didn’t have.
I lied and said I threw it away, and they demanded that I go search the trash for it. I was silently fre*king out knowing that if I didn’t come back with this pill, I could probably get in serious trouble.
They sent this kid and I to go search the trash, and while in the bathroom we looked at each other and knew what had to be done. I reached into this piss hole, grabbed the partially-dissolved pill, and dried it off with a paper towel.
We told each other that this piss grab will never be spoken about under any circumstance. We gave the pill to the school and they asked why it was kind of dissolved. We told them it was wrapped in a wet paper towel when we threw it away and they believed it.
3. “I use a wad of tp, toss it into the hole…”
Many many years ago I went to this Jesus Woodstock festival. Basically a 3 day Christian music fest. We got there after dark. Set up our tents.
Had to use the bathroom and ran to the portapotty without flashlights cuz we were 17 and beyond dumb. I pop a squat and am getting a TON of splash back- idk how it’s so filled, it’s the first night.
I use a wad of tp, toss it into the hole, but it’s strangely floating. I realize I f*cking pissed on the brand new portapotty with the toilet lid still closed. I felt immediate shame. I had to release my guilt and confided in my bff later that night. She did the same exact f*cking thing.
2. “The brain surgeon and me shared a single humiliated glance.”
I was working IT for a hospital and a neurosurgeon had ordered a new lamp for his microscope. It came in through IT instead of engineering for some reason, so it fell to me to drop it off to him. When I did, he asked me to fit it as well. Medical equipment isn’t my field, but the instructions were right there on the box, so I did.
Okay, cool. New lamp fitted, I can see it shining through the housing. So why wasn’t the PC capturing any image from the microscope? The surgeon didn’t know either, it had been like this for weeks. I didn’t know microscopes, but I did my best to troubleshoot.
Lamp on, check.
Comms cord plugged in and seated tightly, check.
The PC is receiving a signal, but for some reason it’s a completely blank signal.
Neither one of us could figure out the problem, so we called up a medical engineer who took one long look at the microscope from across the room and announced that the lens cap was on. The brain surgeon and me shared a single humiliated glance and silently promised each other never to talk about this moment. A promise I’ve broken for your enjoyment.
1. “Turns out we were at the wrong house.”
My husband and I were going to Thanksgiving dinner at the house of some of my dad’s family that I only kind of knew. We got there, knocked, and a woman I didn’t recognize let us in.
We went into the home and there wasn’t anyone there, there was no dinner, etc.
So we’re making small talk with this lady and I ask when everyone is coming. She asks what I mean.
Turns out we were at the wrong house.
The woman just thought we were friends of her husband, because he would randomly bring people home, and that we had simply arrived before he did.
BONUS: “Weird, maybe she’s taking a shower before she leaves..”
My Divorced dad was playing horseshoes in a league with my Aunt (moms sister). They went together one night when I was about 16. I went to a friends house to sleepover and didn’t think any more of it. Until I got home the next morning and her car was still in the driveway. Innocent and stupid me went into the house expecting my aunt to maybe be crashed on the couch or something. Then I heard the shower running and thought, weird, maybe she’s taking a shower before she leaves. Then I heard my dads laugh coming from the bathroom with my aunt laughing too. I tip toed out of the house and went right back to my friends house completely flabbergasted by what I just walked in on.
People do some seriously silly stuff! Thanks for sharing and making us all laugh!