For some reason, when you decide to get married, everyone in the world seems to crawl out of the woodwork to offer their unsolicited advise, regardless of whether their own marriage has been any good, or whether they’ve even been married.
That’s an experience a lot of people can relate to. For instance, the folks in this thread on r/AskReddit:
Many of the responses recorded were indeed creepy, and some were just strange.
Here are a few of the “highlights” of advice given to women in particular.
(Heads up: a lot of these are NSFW.)
1. “Hit him with a frying pan.”
Cast iron pans are best for beating your husband.
Advice from my aunt.
2. “Always play dumb.”
My MIL told me if I keep “acting smart” it wouldn’t last long and the secret to her 25 years of marriage is always act dumb around the husband.
Met her husband’s mistress few years later. She was a successful lawyer with a PhD.
3. “Don’t enjoy sex.”
Not me but at my friends wedding.
She has a SUPER religious section of the family, like of the five siblings, one is a priest, one is a nun, and one is a volunteer youth pastor on the side.
The priest uncle said “just because you’re married now, doesn’t mean you can be lustful. Just remember that sex always under the eyes our lord.”
Her husband is a s*x toy designer.
4. “Let him cheat.”
My sister’s in-laws told her to “be understanding if at one point their boy had a GF, it’s something men do when they don’t feel loved or cared for at home, they have different needs and as long as they still provide for their home, it’ll be OK”…
you can guess how faithful my BIL’s dad was in that marriage
5. “No blow jobs.”
My grandmother gave my husband and I a casual speech on why oral s*x is sinful and we shouldn’t do it.
I have no idea where it came from, and I honestly think I blacked out for the majority of it because I have no idea how I responded.
We were just like, “ok cool sounds good moving on…”
6. “Give us your money.”
LMAO not creepy so much as f*cking stupid, but my ex MIL said “a daughter is always her parents’ daughter, but when a son gets married, he becomes his own man and head of his own family and no longer belongs to his parents” so I asked if that meant they’d stop asking us for money since he “wasn’t their son anymore.”
They didn’t find it funny but they also didn’t stop asking for money.
God, they sucked.
7. “Leave room for Jesus.”
I was told that Jesus was a third “partner” in a marriage and it would be good to have a picture (representation) of Jesus in the bedroom.
8. “Prepare to hurt.”
A friend told me to take painkillers on my wedding night because “s*x is so painful.”
And my SOs friend told him you have to use lube every time you have sex.
We were both really glad we had already had s*x, but both felt bad for our friends s*x lives.
9. “Ditch the pill.”
Not married, but my MIL figure (boyfriend of several years’ mom) told me that I don’t have to use birth control if I “know my body.”
Was 19 or 20 at the time.
I’m glad I was smart enough to ignore her advice, especially considering that she gave birth to my boyfriend unplanned at 19.
I was present at a marriage (circa 2006) where the sister (22?) of the bride (28?) was giving a prayer to the married couple in the church as part of the ceremony.
She said: “Dear God, please help [Jane] submit to [Steve], so that they might have a happy marriage.”
Eye-opening to say the least.
11. “Do the sex right.”
You know how in most religious ceremonies the pastor/priest sticks some kind of little sermon or message in the middle somewhere?
At my rehearsal it was, “And then I’ll say a little something…”
At the actual wedding it became, “Let’s talk about an important part of marriage…S*XUAL FULFILLMENT.”
And we got 5 minutes of that which I’ve blocked in my memory forever.
12. “Way overdo it.”
Not me, my husband. He got given viagra ‘to make sure the marriage is consummated all night long’.
Needless to say, I lost my shit and made him throw it away.
He was 26 then, with no problems standing to attention so it was pretty dangerous.
13. “Enjoy it while it lasts.”
My husband is 8 years older than me.
I was told he was only using me for the ego boost of being with a younger woman, and it was only a matter of time until he came to his senses and got with a woman closer to his own age, so I’d better enjoy it while I could.
14. “Agree and ignore.”
“Whenever he tells you how to do stuff, you say ‘yes, dear’ and then do what you want.”
Advice from my aunt. I guess it worked on her husband bc he wanted to be the man of the house but wasn’t very smart.
I didn’t even try it, my man is smart and we are partners – we make all decisions together (been married for almost 23 years now).
15. “Keep it peachy.”
My mom gave me 2 peaches as a wedding gift and told me “you’ll figure it out.”
15 years later and I still don’t have a clue.
Now I’m going to be thinking about that last one for the rest of the day. Were they supposed to plant the peaches? Eat them seductively at each other? Smush ’em together?
So many questions, so few answers.
What’s some weird relationship advice you’ve been given?
Tell us in the comments.