Any of you married? Yeah you are…
Remember those crazy, love drunk early years of marriage? When you were sure your marriage would be one weird, fun, cute AF ride through life?
Yeah, that didn’t last long. Because reality sets in and we just want to eat cheese and go to sleep early.
1. They’re a keeper!
“How much did that cost?”
“I got a good deal on it.”
– married couples
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 24, 2018
2. Pro tip!
The best thing you can do for your marriage is sleep with separate comforters.
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) March 9, 2018
3. This doesn’t stop…
Tell me how tired you are so I can upstage you and tell you how much more tired I am.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) September 2, 2017
4. Well… yeah! You didn’t know that already?!
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
— Pete Lynch ⚪️ (@PJTLynch) March 25, 2013
5. How romantic!
The boys are spending the night away, so my wife and I are planning on spending our evening shooting down each other’s suggestions on what to do until we fall asleep watching “Chopped” reruns.
— Distracted Dad (@Distracted_Dad) March 9, 2018
6. Please… close your mouth you f*cking cow!
Most of marriage is wondering how you can love someone so fiercely who chews so loudly.
— Amy Flory (@FunnyIsFamily) May 19, 2017
7. Yeah. I do too. Don’t judge me!
Husband: I need your credit card to buy something off Amazon.
Me: I have it memorized, ready?
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) June 30, 2015
8. Time to get a CPAP machine!
Newlyweds: “I love resting my head on your chest and hearing your heart beat as I drift off to sleep.”
Married 15 years: “I recorded you snoring so you can hear how f*cking loud it is.”
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 17, 2018
9. Can’t we have TWO sets of furniture?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) March 8, 2018
10. Two versions of the truth…
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
— Scary Mommy (@ScaryMommy) July 15, 2017
11. This is gonna be a short marriage…
Get ready for marriage by asking your girlfriend/boyfriend to make you a fruit smoothie, then get mad that you can’t hear the TV while they’re making you a fruit smoothie.
— eric (@ericsshadow) February 25, 2018
12. No, not there! Over there!
Marriage is a great way to be angrily reminded where things actually go.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) April 3, 2017
13. Get up Kate!
[Texts husband from bed]
Could you bring me some coffee?
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall) April 11, 2016
14. I just want to sleep and sleep.
My husband just cancelled the plans we’d made for tonight without talking to me first and I’ve honestly never been more turned on in my life.
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) March 3, 2018
15. Oversharing on Facebook = love… right?
In my town husbands are legally required on Facebook to write a long mushy declaration of love to their wife on her birthday.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 24, 2018
Before you marry someone, sit next to them on the couch and try to watch your favorite show while they eat a bowl of cereal.
If you still want to marry that slurping animal, congratulations- you have found your person.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) February 26, 2018
17. “This is an important part!”
My wife just shushed me while watching “Diners, Drive-ins & Dives.”
— rhea butcher (@RheaButcher) April 1, 2017
You know it’s true. It’s all true!
And that’s why you’re still in love… awwwww!