Wanna know a fun and slightly horrifying fact? If you were to try to go through and read the tweets that were tweeted last week – and I mean, just the ones from last week – it would take you over five hundred years to finish.
Seriously. Five hundred million tweets a day.
Average it out to about 5 seconds to read each one and – assuming you never had to stop to eat or sleep because you got some immortality potion, you’d finish up around the year 2574. All your friends would be long dead but you’d know all the best jokes.
Since you probably don’t have that kind of time or potions, we’ll just whittle it down to a few random good ones.
19. Asking the real questions
These monsters aren’t even letting me floss.
Me: will I need my toothbrush
Kidnapper: shut the fuck up
Me: I assume that means you’re providing a toothbrush
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) February 8, 2019
18. Putting it together
If you can’t get excited about some good shelves, you’re too young for me.
We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2019
17. Transgressive art
I’ve actually been there. It um…it stands out.
"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) June 13, 2013
16. Keeping tabs
How confusing would it be if he ordered a Bloody Mary.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) February 12, 2019
15. Male pattern boldness
These are the origin stories you don’t hear about.
[boarding the ark]
Bold Eagle: Bold Eagle
Hyena, from the back: more like BALD eagle lmao
Noah: lmao *marks down bald eagle*
— Kyle? (@KylePlantEmoji) June 8, 2018
14. Wrong way
Oh, I’ve made my choice.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) February 15, 2019
13. Spooky scary skeletons
These are the deep truths it takes years to uncover.
[first day as surgeon] Whoa shit there's a whole fuckin skeleton in here lol spooky
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) February 14, 2017
12. Time zones
There is a time for everything, and right now isn’t it.
Me: are you ready?
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) October 27, 2018
10. Middle man
Lycos: *looks over Bing guy’s shoulder*
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
— N (@CopernicusG) February 21, 2018
9. Hot ticket items
“I’m also told that you’re keeping monsters in closets? This is gonna be an expensive write-up.”
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) April 23, 2018
8. Upper crust
When I was a kid I called it the “pizza bone.”
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: I wish everyone who didn't eat the crust on pizza would die.
Genie: Ok, that's a pretty good wish. You still have three left, that one's on me.
— Syed M. M. Raza (@syedmmraza) March 11, 2019
7. No bones about it
There’s nothing humerus about this.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
— Zilla (@GoodZiIIa) February 27, 2018
6. Loaves and wishes
Eating bread and butter is my bread and butter.
Been getting a lot of bread lately. Not money but my carb intake is just unreal
— macklemore? (@macallmaryhew) October 22, 2018
5. Say wat?
And can we stop it with this “medium power setting” crap? There’s no button for that, shut up.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
— Salty Mermaid Entertainment (@saltymermaident) August 1, 2018
4. Absolutely hysterical
History has been a lot of fun.
Man: My wife, whom had 4 babies and 0 orgasms this year, and is not allowed to vote, cries a lot
Doctor: Obviously she is insane.
— Thing Bad (@Merman_Melville) July 31, 2016
3. Spider man
If this logic holds up than I am somehow a very tall building in disguise.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I'm nervous I'm secretly a giant spider
— Jeremy Kaplowitz (@jeremysmiles) November 28, 2016
2. Doggy positivity
If you don’t call your dog “nakey” at least once a day are you even a pet owner?
every time i get brushed. i have to take my collar off. the human always laughs. and says that i’m naked. but joke’s on them. i’m very confident in my body
— Thoughts of Dog® (@dog_feelings) September 1, 2018
1. Market inflation
Kids these days will never understand the simple things.
I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere
— ♂ (@jaeIeon) November 15, 2018
There ya go, just a few minutes of your day gone instead of several millennia.
Who are your favorite people on Twitter right now?
Let us know in the comments.