Wanna know a fun and slightly horrifying fact? If you were to try to go through and read the tweets that were tweeted last week – and I mean, just the ones from last week – it would take you over five hundred years to finish.

Seriously. Five hundred million tweets a day.

Average it out to about 5 seconds to read each one and – assuming you never had to stop to eat or sleep because you got some immortality potion, you’d finish up around the year 2574. All your friends would be long dead but you’d know all the best jokes.

Since you probably don’t have that kind of time or potions, we’ll just whittle it down to a few random good ones.

19. Asking the real questions

These monsters aren’t even letting me floss.


18. Putting it together

If you can’t get excited about some good shelves, you’re too young for me.

17. Transgressive art

I’ve actually been there. It um…it stands out.

16. Keeping tabs

How confusing would it be if he ordered a Bloody Mary.

15. Male pattern boldness

These are the origin stories you don’t hear about.

14. Wrong way

Oh, I’ve made my choice.

13. Spooky scary skeletons

These are the deep truths it takes years to uncover.

12. Time zones

There is a time for everything, and right now isn’t it.

10. Middle man

Lycos: *looks over Bing guy’s shoulder*

9. Hot ticket items

“I’m also told that you’re keeping monsters in closets? This is gonna be an expensive write-up.”

8. Upper crust

When I was a kid I called it the “pizza bone.”

7. No bones about it

There’s nothing humerus about this.

6. Loaves and wishes

Eating bread and butter is my bread and butter.

5. Say wat?

And can we stop it with this “medium power setting” crap? There’s no button for that, shut up.

4. Absolutely hysterical

History has been a lot of fun.

3. Spider man

If this logic holds up than I am somehow a very tall building in disguise.

2. Doggy positivity

If you don’t call your dog “nakey” at least once a day are you even a pet owner?

1. Market inflation

Kids these days will never understand the simple things.


There ya go, just a few minutes of your day gone instead of several millennia.

Who are your favorite people on Twitter right now?

Let us know in the comments.