Meeting new people is an inevitable part of life, and for some folks it can be cringey AF because they’re just so damn awkward and they make every situation they’re in that way.
Yeah, don’t blame the strangers. Blame your own damn self!
Let’s get real, ya’ll!
1. Wait… what?!? DAD!!!
Once, when I was about 10, I got in the passenger side of what I thought was my dad’s car.
I was waiting for a few minutes and then the real owner of the car came. At first, I was terrified that he was going to kidnap me and steal the car, so I started scrambling for the door handle. Then he started yelling at me for being in his car. That’s when I realized I was in the wrong car and booked it back to the store, where my dad was waiting and laughing hysterically.
He saw me get in the wrong car and just waited to watch it play out.
2. The vomit comet
When I was about 13, I went on a school trip which included a boat ride.
It was a windy day and the sea was rough, so like most of my friends, I got extremely seasick. The toilets were full of puking school kids so when it was my turn to churn I found a space along the rail and let loose.
I aimed down at the sea but the wind whipped my vomit about 20 feet over to a middle-aged man who was enjoying the sea air. As I watched in horror, he registered that he was being spattered with something, but it was only when my second wave hit that our eyes met and I saw his face change from confusion to horror.
I had no words, just more vomit, so he hurried off, presumably to clean himself. Thankfully, I didn’t see him again; but I’m sure I ruined his day.
3. Yeah, race isn’t a good conversation starter…
I worked security at an aquatic theme park and was watching Jeopardy in the employee entrance. One of the veterinarians came through and watched it with me for a bit. He said he watched it religiously and was hoping to get selected as a contestant. He’d heard that they like to have a diverse group of contestants, and they hadn’t had a black guy for a while, so he liked his chances.
A few days later, there were two black contestants on the show, so when I saw him the next time, I asked:
“Hey, did you catch Jeopardy last week?”
“No, why?” he responded.
“There were two black guys on it,” I explained.
He just stared at me blankly for a few seconds, then walked off. That’s when I realized I was talking to a completely different gentleman.
4. Abort hug! ABORT!
I went to a new doctor years ago because the medicine I was taking to help quit an addiction of mine was making me very sick.
After meeting with her and having a great conversation about how she also struggled with the same addiction for years, our appointment came to an end.
As I was leaving the room and opened the door, I turned around to thank her for the encouraging words. Her arm was raised up in a “gimme a hug, not a handshake” position. I thought, okay sure, and went in for the hug.
As soon as I did, I heard her say, “Oh, okay?” in a puzzled tone and immediately realized she was reaching for the door behind me, not asking for a hug.
I aborted the hug which made me look more awkward and raced out of the doctor’s office as fast as I could.
5. TBH… this is f*cking hilarious!
My dad loves buying clothes for me but he’s bad at guessing my size.
He’ll find a complete stranger that he thinks looks like me and have them try the stuff on. Then he’ll take their picture and send it to me.
It’s super weird and I can’t get him to realize how creepy it is.
My favorite pics he’s sent is a five-year-old wearing a hat (we had the same hair color) and a scared looking older woman wearing a coat (we were the same height).
6. Stealing a fist bump…
I thought some random guy was trying to give me a fist bump while walking down the street.
It turned out, he just was trying to scratch his nose. I just got an awkward high five and fist bump thing.
I avoided all eye contact after that and slowly shuffled back to my grandmother.
7. SLAP! Oh shiiiiiii…
I played this game with some buddies in college where we would slap each other’s necks really hard.
I saw my friend studying at the library, went from behind him and slapped him really hard.
It turned out to be some total stranger and not my friend! I almost went #2 in my pants and so did the other guy.
One time, I was driving around town with my friend when I noticed I was being followed by an older car. I made several left turns that eventually made us go in a big circle, to which he followed. At this point, I was getting nervous, so I pulled into a convenience store and turned around. He did the same exact thing.
After this, I decided I’d pull into the closest business and go inside. I pulled into a shop where I knew the owner and walked in with my friend. The stranger followed us in, looked around a bit and said, “My soul is saved… Is yours?”
At that point, my friend, the owner and I were all speechless. The stranger then stared at us, calmly walked back to his car and drove away. I’ve never been so confused in my life.
I worked at a hotel front desk. An old, maybe 75-year-old lady called the front desk and wanted a pillow delivered to her room. When I got there with the pillow, she wanted me to come inside. I’m like “Uh no, here is your pillow,” but she insisted, so I did.
I got inside and she shut the door. She told me to put the pillow on the bed, then went to a drawer in her dresser. At this time I was like, “I need to return to the front desk,” thinking the worst.
She proceeded to pull out a box of bandaids and wanted me to put them on the open sores on her feet.
I noped out of there as fast as I could and left before she came down for morning breakfast.
10. Behind you…
I was standing behind this guy waiting for the elevator in a hotel. We were down in the lobby and it was busy with lots of people coming and going, so he obviously hadn’t noticed me. Once the elevator doors opened, he got in, but he still didn’t see me walk past him on the other side. As SOON as the doors closed, while obviously still under the impression that he was alone, he let out this heinous flatulence that went on for about ten seconds.
Midway through, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted me standing just behind him. The poor guy almost jumped out of his skin. He was staring at me as if he’d just seen a ghost. I was staring at him with what I can only assume was a fairly horrified expression.
11. Toe virgin
The first time I went to get a pedicure, I went with my mother-in-law. She’s a very loud woman who often doesn’t understand what she’s saying.
She kept screaming at the pedicurist, “BE GENTLE WITH HER, SHE’S A TOE VIRGIN. SHE’S A TOE VIRGIN. DON’T POUND HER.”
God help me, I will never go back.
12. Walmart is always weird…
An old man behind me in a Walmart checkout called out a common nickname of mine. I turned to face him and didn’t immediately recognize him. He was gushing with tears in his eyes about how much he loved me and how he couldn’t wait to go home with me.
I asked him if it was possible he had me confused with a different person. The guy’s tears started falling, and he began choking apologies through sobs. Apparently, I was a dead ringer for his long-dead wife.
Combine that and the dementia setting in and presto, Walmart meltdown.
I did something awkward at work.
There was a guy who came in with his kids and had a big bushy beard. He came up to the cash register and asked me where to find an item. I was a little overenthusiastic I suppose because I stuck my fingers out straight ahead to point him in the right direction and they went straight into his beard!
I felt like I had assaulted him, but luckily we laughed it off.
14. Too many feelings…
One time, I was in a sporting goods store at the mall. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a shirt with a really cool design and fabric.
I started feeling the fabric to see how warm it would be, when all of a sudden I heard, “Dude. What’re you doing.” I looked up and it wasn’t a mannequin. It was a man.
My eyes grew wide and I fled. Left the mall even.
15. Hey, a compliment is a compliment!
I got on an elevator with a woman and she had on these really nice boots on, so I complimented them by saying, “Nice boots.”
She cupped her breasts and said, “Well, you’re not shy; thank you, they’re real.” Then I immediately realized I said she thought I said, “Nice bo*bs.”
Longest elevator ride ever.
To this day, whenever I say boots in any context, I do so with a very hard deliberate “T.”
16. Oh hai!
I hooked up with a guy in college and fell asleep in his dorm room.
I woke up in the middle of the night needing to go #1 so badly but I was unable to find any of my clothes right away. I ended up spending so long trying to find them in the dark that by the time I had enough to wear out in the hall, I didn’t think I’d make it.
He was still sleeping, so I grabbed a big reusable water bottle and squatted over it. It was blissful relief until I looked over and saw his roommate staring at me in horror.
17. 7/11 moves…
I tried to make some moves on a girl when I was in high school.
We were in a 7/11 near the back, and because of the late hour, I figured we were alone. When she turned me down and left, I decided to drown my sorrows with a bag of Sour Patch Kids and physically ran into the older, bearded man who had been buying nuts.
He gave me a sympathetic look and opened his mouth as if to say something, and I panicked. I said, “See you tomorrow!” and left the store.
18. Yeah, and….
The first time I hung out with a girl I knew from a bar, I paid for dinner because she had comped me so many cocktails before.
She took that as a sign that I wanted to hook up with her and I got really uncomfortable.
I ended up apologizing for buying dinner.
19. Donut judge me!
I was at the grocery store with my wife and when we were passing the donut section I said, “I’m going to humiliate those donuts.”
I knew it was something that would make her laugh.
When I said it, I turned around and saw that there was a woman in line who was not my wife.
She didn’t laugh.
20. Well, this worked out tho…
When I was in college, I was waiting for a shuttle bus and a girl I had previously been in a class with walked up to the stop with a guy I didn’t know.
I said to her, “Hi, how are you,” and we had a short exchange of pleasantries. Then she turned to the guy next to her and in sign language said: “I don’t remember her name.”
So I sign, “That’s okay, I don’t remember your name either.” I then offered my hand to the guy with her and introduced myself.
21. Oh you want some of this…?
I took an Uber once where the driver obviously stopped at McDonald’s on his way to get me and had the bag on the passenger seat.
He kept munching on fries and my desire for them grew so much that I asked him if I could have some. I wish this was a love story and I wish I could tell you we shared his fries and are still great friends to this day, but I cannot.
He gave me a firm no and kept on driving.
22. What a j^rkoff…
Had to use a public restroom and the guy in the stall next to me forgot to lower the volume (or put his headphones in) and I heard the jingle from a very specific company that makes animated adult entertainment.
The person quickly made sure the video was no longer audible for me but it was too late, I knew what he was going to do. I don’t think he knew that I knew what he was watching, but to have to sit there waiting for my body to clean itself out while knowing that he was watching animated adult videos in the stall next to me made me nervous as all hell.
23. Ya best leave them alone…
I was at a bar bathroom in a stall doing illicit drugs with a friend and he started talking about the two hot chicks at the bar.
All of a sudden, we heard a guy say, “Are you talking about the two girls at the bar?” My friend said, “Yeah, they’re hot.” He responded, ‘Well, one’s my sister and the other’s, my girlfriend.”
We tiptoed out of there as he was finishing his business in his stall.
Hey, nice boots! ???