Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned…by a bad birthday gift.
A woman in Brooklyn, New York took to Craigslist to air her grievances about the bizarre birthday gift her corporate lawyer boyfriend (now her ex) gave her.
Here’s the gift that set the woman off.
She wrote a REALLY long diatribe about the whole situation for the world to see. Let’s take a look, shall we?
Never date a corporate lawyer. Here’s how it goes. You match him on Tinder and give him a chance even though he ghosted you after one date. You never get an explanation for this beyond “I was looking for something specific,” which sounds like another lawyer or some Woody Allenesque waif-bot, but most Brooklyn dudes want that, so f*ck it. He has nice hair. He apologizes, claims to hate True Detective, and laughs at all your jokes.
He’s kind. Not like other corporate lawyers, you tell your friends, who smile painfully. He wants to leave Wappen & Kladden! He has values! He’s sensitive! You’ve never been happier, and he says he’s never been happier, and for the first time, you know you’re in love.
One night you watch a movie about the futility of monogamy, and he fre*ks out. He’s scared of commitment. The guy who committed to 80-hour work weeks for nebulous reasons is scared of commitment. The guy who asked to meet your family after you said it would be okay to wait, because commitment can be scary, is now scared of commitment. You imagine your brother and dad, who only met one other boyfriend and hated him, discussing this the way people discuss natural disasters. “A damn shame. Now a whole different p*nis will have to enter her.”
He does not understand the human species. Who buys someone they’re dumping a Vitamix? He wants to be the hero of this story: “I got this girl an epic birthday gift and then we broke up.” He wants me to remember him fondly. I can’t abide it. I had fleeting Hollywood fantasies about smashing it in the street, but that’s for waif-bots. I’m not gonna ruin a perfectly good blender.”
Sooooooo, she decided to sell the blender. And we got a great story out of it. I don’t see these two getting back together anytime soon…