Everybody’s got some horror story about trying to order something online. Ask me about the time I tried to buy a Switch game on eBay and watch my head explode. Yikes!

Amazon, with all of its brutal efficiency, is usually pretty reliable, but occasionally, something hilarious happens, like this sordid tale of a man who just wanted boxes, but kept getting granola.

The Prologue

Wherein our hero sets about his journey and doesn’t know what awaits him in the wilds of Amazon…

Chapter 1: Mistakes Happen

Wherein our hero receives a bounty of grain and cacao and sugar and… probiotics?

Chapter 2: Old Habits

Wherein our hero gets another bounty of the same shit.

Chapter 3: A New Challenger Has Arrived

Wherein our hero gets something completely fucking different and I’m so confused right now.

What is happening?!?!

Chapter 4: Revelation

Wherein our hero discovers the truth! And it’s surprisingly wholesome.

Chapter 5: Resolution

Wherein our hero communes with the gods of Amazon and from here on all will be right with the world.

Chapter 6: Betrayal


When the internet has so thoroughly broken you that you forget stores exist, it’s time to go outside.

Or, at least go to a store. Like the UPS Store or FedEx Office? They’ve got plenty of boxes. Target. Walmart. You know, all those places that have NOTHING to do with Jeff Bezos.

But that’s his story. What’s your online shopping horror story? Tell us in the comments, fam! We’re dying to hear all about it!