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That’s the question that was posed by a Redditor recently, and I’ve gotta say, as dumb questions go, this one really got some genuinely hilarious answers!
Things like this can go either way on AskReddit, but I don’t think you’ll be disappointed reading through these funny musings on what it would be like to die at the hands of whatever is orange and nearby.
Just go on and see if I’m right!
15. That’s one way I bet you thought you’d never go.
My little toy alpaca becomes alive and throws its decorative pompoms at me, which are surprisingly deadly
14. The last line is what really brings it home.
A plastic crab toy.
It comes to life. I try to crush it, I can’t, it is still plastic. It is too fast. Before I know what’s happened it’s skittered it’s way up my leg and quickly scales upward. It plunges a now deadly plastic claw into my neck.
I bleed out, while still sitting on the toilet.
13. I have a few questions.
A 6’ tall inflatable turkey.
I can’t say I’m surprised.
12. A tale for the ages.
Cause of death: An orange stickered cube from a miniature rubix cube.
How it happened: A maintenance worker will be working in the ceiling just outside of my cubicle row, his ladder pressed against the wall of my cube. While on the ladder, and halfway through the ceiling panel inspecting an air duct, his loosely secured hammer will catch on the ceiling and fall out of his utility belt. The head of the hammer will land promptly on top of the miniature rubix cube; the weight applying pressure to it in a way it was not designed for. Within less than a milisecond, the cubes will fire in every separate direction that physics and their surroundings will permit. The cube that causes my death will fly in to my open right eye as I turn to see what is happening. With the velocity at which it is traveling, sharp corner forward, it will by some marvel, manage to pierce its way almost all the way to the occular nerve. At that moment I will jump up, and recoiling in pain I will trip over an untied shoelace, cracking my head against the corner of my desk and knocking myself out. The maintenance worker doesn’t notice me passed out unconscious sticking halfway out from under the desk, and is wearing noise canceling earphones blasting Pantera, so he has no clue what happened.
Because I am alone in the office today after he leaves, nobody will find me until the custodians make their rounds doing the Friday vaccuming and emptying trash cans. At this point, I am still unconscious. I do not wake up from the head injury for another day actually. When I come to, I am in the hospital. The doctor standing over me lets me know that they still need to monitor me, and they have done what they can for my eye. A large bandage covers it now. I look to my left and through my remaining eye, I see my Fiance getting up from her seat, eyes welled up with tears, and rushing towards me. Fast forward about two months, and I have been released from the hospital for some time. It is about 7pm on a Friday, just after the sun has set. I get in my car to make a last minute trip to the store after having run home to feed our cats, since my fiance is working a later shift. At the second intersection I come across a red light. Once it turns green, I gun it, excited to finally be able to enjoy the feeling of my turbocharged car once again.
Just past the middle of the intersection, while I am distracted by my A-pillar mounted boost and AFR gauges giving unusual readings (possible boost leak?), I get anihilated by a runaway semi truck doing about 90 mph that hit me from my right. Apparently the driver had a heart attack at the wheel, lost consciousness, and his foot somehow became wedged against the gas pedal.
My lack of peripheral vision in my right eye (caused by the little orange square on the miniature rubix cube), coupled with a distraction ultimately led to my death.
11. A book would never turn on your this way.
I guess someone hits me too hard in the head with a Dune-book.
Or I slip on it. Or walk around reading, not watching myself and get hit by a car.
Hard to tell.
Is the book supposed to actually inflict the deadly damage or just be the reason behind its occurance?
10. I don’t know if the cause of death or the fact that a person owns this is funnier.
My human sized cardboard Garfield wants lasagna, and apparently I didn’t deliver.
9. Somebody watches too much Tarantino.
The orange t shirt which i am wearing.
It is going to squeeze me till eyes pop out. Then, the shit piss start coming out from every hole in the body and body pops from where blood splatters all around making whole room red.
8. What a way to go indeed.
As a ginger, I am strangled to death by my own hair. What a way to go.
7. Bird people are the weirdest people.
my parrot is constantly trying to kill me lately…this time she succeeds in her quest to rediscover her dinosaur roots and eats me alive while yelling “WAS IT YUMMY?? WAS IT REALLY GOOD????” 🙁
6. That got serious fast.
Necrotizing fasciitis from a paper cut thanks to the orange-covered teacher guide on my desk.
5. This actually sounds pretty stinking terrible!
a paper folder.
DEATH BY A THOUSAND PAPER CUTS
4. Based on the current state of affairs, I’d guess the latter.
Not much of it left, so I’m guessing I’ll choke on it. Which is strange because it’s not even my Gatorade, not sure why I’d be drinking my classmates Gatorade.
Or he’s passing a super bug that’s still in the incubation stage over to me.
3. There’s definitely a secondary joke to be made here.
I’m going to get murdered by the one girl in my math class that has a bad spray tan
2. There are worse ways.
The walls of my house are orange so I guess the house collapses and kills me
I never leave my house and now I die in it.
What a way to go.
1. Why do you need a heat lamp IN the bathtub though?
Well it is a heat lamp.
Just realized that I am in a bathtub and it is on the edge pointing towards me. May actually have been my cause of death if you didn’t make me look for an orange object, think of death, and had me realize how dangerous this is.
I don’t know what I just read, but I’m not sorry I did.
Let’s play – tell us what the nearest orange object is to you and how it’s going to kill you. I can’t wait!