Let’s talk about sex; a thing which I definitely do a whole lot and am very good at. I know all the parts. I got all the moves. The kissy part, the touchdowns, the…lunch…break. All of it. I’m a real good sex person and you can ask anybody I’ve ever smushed tummies with.

So you can imagine my surprise that there are some people – clearly less adept than me – who don’t like all the parts of the doing sex. Some folks actually hate the segment known as “foreplay,” named so because you yell “fore” before you hit the sex with your golf wiener, I believe.

Here are 10 anonymously submitted opinions from people who’d really rather get straight to the tickle-business.

10. Kiss me, you fool

Have you tried turning you off and THEN back on?

Source: Whisper

9. Performance anxiety

Psh. Only TWICE? Come back when you’ve done it a kabillion times like I have.

Source: Whisper

8. Too soon

Have you tried thinking about baseball? Hot, sexy baseball?

Source: Whisper

7. Marital aids

Perhaps you should try fiveplay, it may be something you both enjoy.

Source: Whisper

6. The main event

Ah yes, the *writes down note* thrusting part…

Source: Whisper

5. Get to the point

Oh those pesky men and their…famous insistence on foreplay?

Source: Whisper

4. Must-have

It’s only essential if you use essential oils.

Source: Whisper

3. Pet peeve

I too have tried screaming this at people and it never seems to get me anywhere.

Source: Whisper

2. Odd man out

Yes, that’s weird. You’re weird. Trust me, I’m a sexpert.

Source: Whisper

1. My stories

I…completely understand this simile and definitely require no further explanation. For sure.

Source: Whisper

Whether you’re into the 4 plays or not, you’ve gotta work with your partner to make it a fun time for all. Take it from me, if you REALLY want to have a mind blowing time in the bedroom, try something crazy like slapping…your…ear. Mmm. I know a lot about sex.

Do you like foreplay? If so, what flavor?

Tell us in the comments.