Sometimes, funny tweets are funny in a painful sort of way. It’s like spicy food; it hurts so good that despite the pain you just keep coming back for more. If you’ve got a dark, ironic sense of humor, this is the kind of tweet for you.
Enjoy this good-bad list of wince-inducing lulz via the tortured souls of Twitter.
10. Origin stories
If you didn’t do this, you’re too confident of a person.
https://twitter.com/sta_Niyaa/status/1109825284902137856
9. Doing great
I love paying someone $120/hour to pretend I don’t have anything to pay them for.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
— Sam Reich (@samreich) March 15, 2019
8. High standards
Ah, the classic empty gesture parenting style.
I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card. It sends the message that education is a priority in our household and it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.
— Henpecked Hal (@HenpeckedHal) November 29, 2018
7. Lasagna fills the void
This cat has been around for over 40 years and we’re just now realizing this subtext?
https://twitter.com/JamColley/status/965044450182414336
6. Let me tell you ’bout my best friend
I assume after this you sank into the floor and became one with the earth.
I was 10 when my teacher asked us to write a short story about our best friend. I looked at mine and smiled. I then wrote everything I knew about him. Once we’re done the teacher asked for volunteers to read our story out loud. My best friend went first.
I was not in his story.
— Abul ¹⁶⁴⁴ (@pineabul) March 4, 2019
5. Pixar predictions
To be fair, we all want to live in space on those zoomy chairs.
WALL-E came out in 2008 and y'all still littering
— Elly belly (@elliot__brown) August 10, 2018
4. The wild west
The honest to God irony of this is that I’m not even sure this guy was the first one to tweet this.
https://twitter.com/_donnydrama/status/1058776798056640512
3. Slipped my mind
I shouldn’t laugh at this I shouldn’t laugh at this I shouldn’t laugh at this…
https://twitter.com/MaddyBoyd11/status/1105713499345346560
2. Powerful memories
I’m gonna need to stop you right there.
RT @_ayosworldd: one day we all sat on this for the last time together and never knew it https://t.co/dIsNZ6FWXE
— Traveling Tee (@hungrybutfine) September 18, 2018
1. Safe words
This is entirely too hardcore for me.
[during sex]
Me: Hurt me
Her: In 1992, scientists discovered the loneliest creature on Earth.
Me: what
Her: Its a whale that has been calling for a mate for two decades. He communicates at a frequency not used by any other whales, and hasnt received a response.
Me: stop
— Jay (@highonthighs) August 18, 2018
Now that you’ve had a good cathartic laugh/cry/cry-laugh, you’ve got the refreshed energy you’ll need to take on your day! Or maybe you’re just really bummed. In which case…yeah, our bad. Go eat some ice cream.
What’s your favorite darkly funny tweet?
Tell us about it in the comments.