Apparently in the decade or so that I’ve had a Twitter account, I’ve sent off a total of 2,663 Tweets.
Those, of course, are rookie numbers.
An average of less than 1 tweet per day? What am I, dead? No wonder Social Blade only gives me a C+.
But honestly, I don’t much care. I don’t want to run with the big boys on Twitter, because running sounds super hard. I’d much rather just sit back and enjoy the content created by those who have taken it upon themselves to truly commit to writing tiny jokes for free 900 times a day.
Here are 10 such jokes that we can enjoy together. We ain’t even gotta work at it.
10. Wine about it
I will admit that I have made many an elaborate excuse to obscure the fact that I don’t drink wine cause it hurts my tum tum.
https://twitter.com/doughbvy/status/1022208141637824512?lang=en
9. Woo-hoo
Tell me the tail.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured— Andrew Nadeau (@TheAndrewNadeau) October 17, 2017
8. Wind in my sails
This is why we can’t have nice things.
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don't w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
— Chad Kroeber (@ChadKroeber) August 17, 2015
7. Crafty measures
I don’t know why you’d hop to that conclusion.
[shoving glitter glue and felt pens back into my bag, visibly upset] ok look all I'm saying is maybe you guys shouldn't have called it a 'craft brewery' because people are gonna get the wrong idea and lemme tell you Karen this has been a big let down
— sloane (sîpihkopiyesîs) 🍉 (@cottoncandaddy) December 13, 2017
6. What a twist!
Bet you didn’t see this one coming.
me talking about myself
▶ 🔘──────── 00:01me talking about how M. Night Shyamalan wrote the screenplay for the Stuart Little movie
▶ 🔘──────── 64:18:30— grace spelman (@GraceSpelman) July 7, 2018
5. My precious
“If they are going to die they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.” – Ebeneezer Scrooge and also me while buying Doritos
https://twitter.com/TastelessGents/status/844329848499724288
4. All the lonely good bois
I once got into a game with a friend where we wrote as many verses to this as we could and it was hilarity.
https://twitter.com/KestrelPi/status/791601056522334208
3. Badge of honor
Don’t mind me, just citizen Realname Normalguy, minding my own business.
"What's your name, son?"
"Uhhhh…" [looks at cop's shirt pocket] pic.twitter.com/FoW7me7mdJ— GALIB 🐦 (@Salamat_rahey) September 23, 2017
2. Tough love
You’re gonna be safe or I’m gonna MAKE you be safe.
https://twitter.com/trilllexa/status/871788080885145601
1. The sorting hate
There’s a lot of controversy in the wizarding world.
HERMIONE: I can't believe Malfoy called me a mudblood.
RON: It's despicable.
HARRY: It's the WORST thing I can imagine.
DEAN THOMAS: *Sigh*.— Carl Kinsella (@TVsCarlKinsella) September 21, 2016
These tweets are so good, it almost makes me want to put in effort creating tweets for my own *checks account* …~300 followers, half of whom are probably bots.
…nah.
What’s your favorite tweet ever?
Tell us in the comments.