Pst. Hey you. You wanna see some funny stuff? Cause we got the hookup.
See there’s this place called “Twitter,” apparently it’s run by birds or something, I don’t know, but these birds are pretty funny as far as birds go and they drop all these little jokes all over the place. Sounds crazy, right? I didn’t believe it either, at first. But here we are with another cache of jokes fresh from the internet…nest.
The “internest” perhaps?
I don’t know, further research is needed.
Enjoy these ten funny tweets from this new-fangled Twitter place.
10. Coming out on top
You thought I was gonna jet? No chance.
Your friend walking back into the party after puking in the bushes pic.twitter.com/l60Jdrbg0Q
— Dr Grayfang (@DrGrayfang) July 21, 2020
9. Green makes green
This is just what Big Vegetable WANTS you to do.
What's the point of eating your vegetables? You'll just live longer and have to eat more vegetables.
— Erik Bergstrom (@Erik_Bergstrom) July 20, 2020
8. Bot or not
The machines are insecure and are thus clearly projecting.
How is the computer gonna ask me if I am a robot? Bitch you're a robot
— seth (@KingzNA) May 27, 2020
7. High steak situations
It’s a very rare occurrence.
Levels of trust:
3. borrow my car
2. watch my kids
1. cook my steak
— S A R A B U C K L E Y (@nottheworstmom) January 6, 2018
6. Eat my dust
Know your worth, hon.
We’ve been out of Doritos since Sunday, is this a cleanse?
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) July 16, 2020
5. Bladder chatter
The “p” is not silent.
me: [snuggled in bed] oh wow this is nice
legs: omg so warm
feet: omg so warm
hands: omg so warm
bladder: hey guys
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) January 8, 2019
4. There’s no wrong way
Balance is the key to everything.
I’m having a salad for lunch so I can have three dozen Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups tonight.
— Sean Lowe (@SeanLowe09) October 31, 2017
3. Bee best
They’re the cutest little murder machines out there.
[God creating bees]
ANGEL: We already have wasps
GOD: Take away their anger
GOD: And make them chonky
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bumble boys
— Roxi Horror ?? (@roxiqt) July 17, 2020
2. Early to bed, early to fall
Humankind was not meant to see such times.
I woke up at 5 AM and it turns out there’s actually 75 hours in a day.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) July 13, 2020
1. Freak in the sheets
Must we always sacrifice one in order to have the other? Life is so unfair.
All I want is the love of a healthy relationship & the sex of a toxic one
— wittyidiot (@stephenszczerba) July 17, 2020
So, now that you’ve gotten your very first taste of this place called Twitter, what do you think of it? What do you mean “you already knew about it?” What do you mean “literally everyone has for years?” Whatever, you’re just jealous.
Question of the day: is Twitter more good than bad or more bad than good?
Chime in in the comments.