We’re living in stressful times. There’s not a lot we’re surrounded with that doesn’t make us feel a little bit worse about everything. But if you take deep dive through twitter, swimming past all the mudslinging, you’ll find a delicious core of random, pleasant banalities.
So if you’re having a rough week, might I present this dump of random tweets that have all made me smile, and perhaps even force a little bit of air out of my nose. Which is high praise for the internet.
10. The only diet that works
And it’s the worst diet ever.
Did you know that if you replace chips with a grapefruit as a snack you can lose up to 90% of they joy in your already joyless life?
— dizzle_saint_james (@dizzle_st_james) January 10, 2018
9. Growing up is fun
So much pain, so little time!
KID: *falls out of tree* I'm fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
— batkaren (@batkaren) December 17, 2015
8. I’ll sleep when I’m dead
And I’ll probably be dead in… five years?
am i constantly tired? yes.
but am i staying awake when i should be sleeping? also yes.
— logan (@lpweeks1207) February 19, 2018
7. Is this what they mean by Netflix and Chill?
6. What would we do without Facebook?
We’d remember A LOT less… and maybe that’s a good thing?
Facebook: hey remember when you were a full blown alcoholic spiraling out of control?
Me: you don’t have to do this
Facebook: here’s a memory from 2013
— Kara Morehart (@KaraMorehart) November 17, 2018
5. I’m too bad at math for this
This is the weirdest way they measure paper towels and toilet paper.
I dream of a day when paper-towel manufacturers just say how many rolls are in the package, and not how many hypothetical rolls would be in the package if they were some other hypothetical size.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) March 31, 2019
4. This is why I can’t get into zombie shows
Why would you want to live during these times?
Honestly the craziest thing about doomsday preppers is their desire to live
— Kara Morehart (@KaraMorehart) March 23, 2019
3. It’s the little things
And THIS is important!
One of the things that make me happiest in life is good shower pressure.
— Hannah Berner (@beingbernz) March 27, 2019
2. Give me a break
Sounds like you need a housekeeper!
types of vacations I need
– a week to deep clean everything I own, twice
– a week to just sleep, then sleep some more
– a week where I don't speak to anyone
– a week where I can cook constantly and never have to clean up
– 2-3 days where I don't have to make any decisions
— folu (@notfolu) February 5, 2018
1. Am I being detained?
How does my butt look?
Me: Do I look skinny? Cop: Taking my mugshot, please stop asking!
— Mermaid In A Wineglass (@mermaidsluvwine) April 1, 2019
Well, I feel a little bit better now. Time to face the real world again. Or look at some more tweet.
Give those accounts a follow for some more internet nutrients.
What’s your favorite tweet recently? Let us know in the comments.