Stories about God are pretty big in America. According to one survey, 87% of Americans own a Bible, but only about 20% have actually read the whole thing. There’s a good reason for that: it’s a really, really big book. Like, over 1,000 pages in super small font big. If you read one chapter every single day, it would take you over three years to finish.
Since so few of us have actually read it cover to cover, it can be hard to know what came from that book and what came from nowhere. These tweets are definitely the latter. I think. But until I finally finish the good book, I can’t know for sure. Here are 10 alternate Bible passages for your theological enjoyment.
10. The Banning of the Unicorns
GOD: actually, scratch that
ANGEL: no unicorns… got it
GOD: aww, what the hell, put 'em in the ocean
— Elle Vive (@swan_hillary) December 16, 2018
9. The Curse of Almonds
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
— The Dad (@thedad) August 20, 2018
8. The Ocean of Irony
[God creating the ocean]
GOD: Just put water friggin everywhere.
ANGEL: Nice, that way if they’re thirsty, they—
GOD: Make it undrinkable.
— swann’s güey (@athleisure_monk) June 8, 2015
7. The Bird-Slam
[boarding the ark]
Bold Eagle: Bold Eagle
Hyena, from the back: more like BALD eagle lm*o
Noah: lm*o *marks down bald eagle*
— Kyle ? (@KylePlantEmoji) June 8, 2018
6. The Cock-Up
adam: [naming the birds] tits
god: lol ok but let's take this a little more seriously
adam: blue-footed bo*bies
god: you can't name all the birds after bo*bs
adam: [pointing to rooster] cock
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) September 23, 2018
5. The Accidental Plague
God: oh sh^t
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button.
— Funny Things (@FunnyPictures14) August 13, 2016
4. The Humblefly
God: you’re gonna be beautiful your whole life.
Butterfly: yeah I better be.
God: [to Angel] I don’t like his attitude make him an ugly hairy worm for half his life.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) December 21, 2018
3. The Woke Boi
[God creating dogs]
God: You're Man's best friend
Dog: Pretty sexist
G: No, man as in every- f*ck it. U can't talk
G: & chocolate kills U
— PO9 (@brcpo9) April 14, 2017
2. The Serpent Slither
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
— tater tot bros (@thetits) February 8, 2016
1. The Creation Session
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lm*o, no
— Roxi Horror ?? (@roxiqt) February 3, 2019
Honestly, I think I’d be more likely to head back to church if these were in the sermons.
What’s your pitch for a new Bible story?
Tell us in the comments.