Stories about God are pretty big in America.  According to one survey, 87% of Americans own a Bible, but only about 20% have actually read the whole thing. There’s a good reason for that: it’s a really, really big book. Like, over 1,000 pages in super small font big. If you read one chapter every single day, it would take you over three years to finish.

Since so few of us have actually read it cover to cover, it can be hard to know what came from that book and what came from nowhere. These tweets are definitely the latter. I think. But until I finally finish the good book, I can’t know for sure. Here are 10 alternate Bible passages for your theological enjoyment.

10. The Banning of the Unicorns

9. The Curse of Almonds

8. The Ocean of Irony

7. The Bird-Slam

6. The Cock-Up

5. The Accidental Plague

4. The Humblefly

3. The Woke Boi

2. The Serpent Slither

1. The Creation Session

Honestly, I think I’d be more likely to head back to church if these were in the sermons.

What’s your pitch for a new Bible story?

Tell us in the comments.