I’m simply all a’twitter about Twitter. These particular twitters anyway. Tweets. Tweeters. Whatever. The point is, I’m excited to share them with you because they’re funny. Hence all the twitchy tweety Twitter talk. When you come across a thing that brings you joy, you just gotta share it. Unless it’s candy. Then it’s all mine and whatever I don’t finish now is going into my special candy safe. I didn’t come to play.
Enjoy these 10 great tweets that want nothing more than to put a smile on your face.
10. Deadly idioms
A stone cold killer and murder most fowl.
bird cop: we found two victims, bludgeoned to death
bird detective: any murder weapon found?
bird cop: just one stone
bird detective: *lowers shades* my god
— Elvish Presley (@_elvishpresley_) May 18, 2020
9. Please wait
Why has printer technology refused to keep step with everything else in the world?
Pretty sure when I get back to the office that print job I was trying to cancel will still be pending.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) April 17, 2020
8. Caught in a bad romance
This wasn’t my first complaint about it but I get where you’re coming from.
what's the point of a quarantine if I'm not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
— ghoulia ? (@julia__ghoulia) March 13, 2020
7. Leaving an impression
This is the mark of the walking dead.
If I wake up like this don't talk to me for the next 30 min cause I won't understand shit you saying ?
— Adetutu1011✌? (@adetutu1011) May 16, 2020
6. Ruff ruff ROFL
They’re having a dog day afternoon.
Then he said: "Come in he doesn't bite"
And I bit him. pic.twitter.com/WXZeMZWkkg
— Kgoshi Ya Lebowa (@Marcellomj) May 24, 2020
5. Heel healing
I don’t know if this is true but if so…can we just stop messing with these shoes?
If you go out in heels tape your 3rd toe to the 4th, it halts a nerve transmission & thus no pain in the balls of your feet. https://t.co/d84Ha9XD05
— proteger a la mujer negra (@ShameedWright) August 29, 2018
4. Sole mate
I experienced this same thing except with the garbage man.
I remember when I was a kid and I thought the guy measuring my feet at the shoe store had the coolest job around. What I'm saying was that I was stupid.
— CynicalTherapist (@CynicalTherapi1) June 15, 2020
3. We’re going down, down
I write sins not tragedies.
my friends: you better not play any of that dumb early 2000s emo music
me going for the aux chord: pic.twitter.com/g53J024uzt
— maeve ⋆ (@shutupmaeve) March 3, 2018
2. Dream job
Here’s hoping this wasn’t a premonition.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
— Black Magick Woman (@Stiffster1216) June 15, 2020
1. Sky high
In 2020 Kermit’s probably on that plane by himself.
When you realize you're 40,000 feet away from everyone and their bullshit. pic.twitter.com/4op2kd4m9o
— Andie Anderson (@humor_me_pink) July 28, 2016
Hope you enjoyed those as much as I did. It’s amazing how happy a little string of characters can make us when they hit in just the right way.
Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter right now, and why?
Tell us about it in the comments.