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Author Iain Banks once wrote, “We are wasting time. Time wastes itself. Who are we to float in its way?” Which I take to be a very poetic way of giving us all permission to waste as much time as we want. Because see, some of the best things you could possibly do take the form of “wasting time,” including reading through hilarious but completely useless tweets. Anyone nagging you about that being a waste of time clearly doesn’t understand the true value of time spent on nothing important.
So, to help you defy the naysayers, here are 10 ridiculous tweets you can waste your time reading and feel very good about it.
10. Stalling for time
This is as good an explanation as any I’ve heard for their absurd longevity.
me: y'know when someone else is in the stall next to you and you have a stand off where you both refuse to poop first, i feel like that's what betty white and the queen are doing but about dying
my dentist: i said stop talking
— shen the bird (@Shen_the_Bird) April 23, 2019
9. Phallic feast
I blinked 182 times reading this.
say it aint so / some potatoes
pickles, hotdogs / and burritos
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) March 12, 2017
8. Go Eevee!
The little blue circle next to the name to mimic a check mark is truly one of nature’s greatest adaptations.
Pokemon Let's Go Eevee is cancelled. Do not talk to me. pic.twitter.com/cXXjCR3r1M
— No Shigeru Miyamoto🔵 (@ShigeruMlyamoto) August 24, 2018
7. Sofa spud
This means something. This is important.
My fiancé just asked me to come into the kitchen to see what they made.
“It’s a couch potato.” pic.twitter.com/NA2IiDznl3
— Michael Barros (@BarrosMichael21) May 15, 2020
6. The sorting hat
As for me and my house, we will serve margaritas.
I'm a solid 5, but with a dog incl.
Yet, #6 would be a dream!! ❤ pic.twitter.com/coQ126JwdZ
— 'Cely a la mode 🍨🥧 (@RikaSecrets) April 18, 2020
5. True grit
I’m convinced the market for this product is people who have heard of but never actually tasted candy.
The classic flavors are back!
— Molly Hodgdon (@Manglewood) February 12, 2019
4. On the ball
That’s it. He wins science. Give me all of the Nobels.
— Jonathan Evensen (@aNomadicState) May 5, 2017
3. Tony snark
My condolences to the family of whomever took these pictures, as they were inevitably killed by a very angry cat seconds later.
When life gives you lemons, learn to make an Iron Man helmet for your cat pic.twitter.com/Q4J0Spsm0v
— Marvelous RDJ (@MarvelousRDJ) July 13, 2016
2. You put the lime in the coconut…
…and shake it all up.
Know what goes well with a coronavirus? Lime disease….
— Chavez_the_Chalker (@ChavezGeorgeM) January 24, 2020
1. The four gospels
Of all the great British sayings, I’d like to bring “can’t be arsed” to America, please.
My four moods 1. I'm too old for this shit. 2. I'm too tired for this shit. 3. I'm too bored for this shit. 4. I can't be arsed.
— Tracy Packman (@TracyPackman) July 23, 2014
Now, do you feel like you’ve wasted time reading those, or do you feel your life and your mind have been truly enriched? For me, it’s both. And I ain’t sorry at all.
Who are your favorite people on Twitter?
Tell us in the comments.