Did you know that on average there are an astonishing 500 million tweets sent out every day? That’s 3.5 billion per week. Facing those stats, it’s a pretty daunting task to pick a top 10 from any given week, but that doesn’t stop anybody from trying.
Here are the “top” 0.000000003% of this week’s tweets for you reading enjoyment!
10. He moves in mysterious ways
I didn’t think God would respond so enthusiastically to that one prayer about not going to Aunt Olivia’s birthday party. My bad y’all
— normal mcaverage (@nicelybrightly) March 30, 2020
9. The cure is worse than the disease
what if the cure to the coronavirus is to stop making the fast and furious movies
— randy (@randypaint) March 30, 2020
8. Identity theft is not a joke
— RainnWilson (@rainnwilson) March 30, 2020
7. It’s a therapy pet
Beware, in times like these, of opportunists. My wife has long wanted a chicken, and she's using the empty egg aisles at the grocery store to aggressively lobby for one.
— RunwayDan (@RunwayDan) March 22, 2020
6. Bootstrap it
Hey libtards if u really want $15/hr, instead of flipping burgers maybe try what I did: have ur dad give you a $150k/ year job at his oil drilling company as long as u agree to stay off pills
— Stu (@juanlotr3) August 8, 2018
5. These are trying times
I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell.
He’s taken to passing gas in my vicinity & then when I react, informing me he is helpfully “performing a health check”.
He taught the children the technique.
I may divorce him.
— Shawna Gawreluck (@ShawnaGofABPoli) March 29, 2020
4. Ah yes the third law of physics
Fact: for every polite Canadian human there is an equally rude goose
— Erin Who Came to Stay (@Mom_Overboard) March 30, 2020
3. Florida man strikes again
Watching people be shocked by Tiger King reminds me that not everyone grew up in Florida.
— BURY THE LEDE COMIC OUT NOW ?️? (@gabydunn) March 27, 2020
2. You have as many hours in the day as Anna Kendrick
I guess I’ll never be able to lie to myself again about all the sh^t I would do if I just had the time.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) March 30, 2020
1. Live it up while you can
This quarantine is the closest any of us millennials will get to retirement.
— Dan Sebree (@DanSebree) March 30, 2020
Well that last one was way too real so I’m gonna close things out now and go think about my life.
What’s your favorite recent tweet?
Tell us in the comments.