Did you know that “TWITTER” stands for Terse Word Inventions To Tell Everyone to Read?
I’ll bet you didn’t know that. Because it’s not true. I made it up just now.
The founders of the company named it “Twitter,” because they basically just thought that sounded nice. That’s the thing about Twitter though, there’s really not too much of a rhyme or reason to it, it’s just sort of a barrage of what sounds nice, or what feels right in the moment. Little bits of thought flotsam floating through the internet for us to catch as we pass by. People use it as a platform to talk about all kinds of things, but the best stuff, we can all agree, is the funny stuff.
Here are your top 10 random tweets for the day that just feel right.
10. This blows
I have follow-up questions concerning pizza rolls specifically.
Do ya’ll blow on your food when it’s too hot or do you just hasafashafsas till you can chew it?
— Bored in the MF house (@DatGuyLance) January 6, 2019
9. Boy oh boy
We were all little terrors, weren’t we?
Boy moms are the best because I’ll be like “my boy is out of control sometimes” and they’ll be like “my boy tore down a whole wall in our house” and it always makes me feel better.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) September 4, 2019
8. Raised by a cup of coffee
This guy should write ads for Folgers.
The best cup of coffee is when you’re a parent on the weekend and you are the first one awake, the house is dark and quiet and it’s starting to rain. That is THE CUP OF COFFEE.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 3, 2019
7. Three hundred point turn
It’s one of those things you only learn out of necessity.
Me: *parallel parking*
Husband: *visibly aging*
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) October 25, 2018
6. Seven deadly sims
There are 7 things the Lord detests, 8 He finds too dank.
This is the most brilliant iPhone app grouping I’ve ever seen… pic.twitter.com/3zyKpFkJr3
— Alex Rampell (@arampell) February 4, 2019
5. Weasel words
Nature is truly amazing and also sneaky.
[GOD INVENTING THE WEASEL]
You know what we need? An otter you can't fucking trust.
— The Notorious B.E.V. ? (@blade_funner) September 7, 2016
4. The Book of Donkey
Day by day, he watches ogre us.
if you ever want to hear the gospel according to shrek, just open up your bible and read psalm BODY ONCE TOLD ME
— девушка (@01110001q) July 7, 2014
3. Infinite playlist
Gotta wait a full year to year the next song, too.
“what’s he listening to?” pic.twitter.com/QyvMAlqN8z
— captain ⍟ (@iamgeekingout) August 16, 2018
2. Verbal dexterity
Shakespeare himself could not craft a witticism so sharp.
me in fourth grade: look under there
friend: under where
me: you fool. you absolute moron. you are such a monumental idiot that you don’t even realize what you just said. i am a verbal magician and you, my friend, are a naive simpleton. your family line deserves to die with you
— viking needs a job (@notviking) July 4, 2019
1. Phone, keys, wallet
I feel personally attacked and I’m not even mad about it.
White people love saying "that was fast" after someone leaves and comes back in for their keys
— Kyler Chern (@KylerChern) September 23, 2018
Thank you, people of Twitter, for taking the time to shoot your random thoughts into cyberspace for us. It makes the digital world a better place.
What are you favorite tweets?
Tell us about ’em in the comments.