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Having a weird day? Yeah, aren’t we all. But don’t sweat it, because we’ve got funny tweets, and four out of five doctors who I’m imagining in my mind recommend funny tweets as a stress reliever, anti-depressant, mood stabilizer, and growth hormone. They are truly a panacea.
Enjoy these ten random Twitter funnies that will heal you of all your woes, maybe.
10. It’s nacho business
Now I want these more than life itself, thanks a lot.
Normalize fully-loaded nachos as a healthy breakfast option
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) July 30, 2020
9. Killing it
No innocent person runs that much.
My coworker just told me instead of coffee she runs a mile in the morning to wake up and not to be dramatic but I think she’s a serial killer
— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) January 21, 2020
8. Lend a hand
Yeah man, I can dig it.
After the age of 30 you really only need two friends, one for your alibi and one to help you dig the hole
— wittyidiot (@stephenszczerba) January 23, 2020
7. Law and coffee orders
I’d be great at this job as long as we were guaranteed to catch the killer in 42 minutes or less.
Sometimes after watching SVU I’m like “wait I’d be an amazing detective” but then realized I’d just be walking the station with an iced coffee going “okay this is like legit crazy”
— Danny Murphy (@kashmeredanny) April 26, 2020
6. The Disney princess effect
Them trash bandits are at it again.
When it comes to gifts, I'm easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
— Roxi Horror 💀🌸 (@roxiqt) November 8, 2019
5. Armed and dangerous
Why can’t I hold all this life?
YOU WERE ONLY BORN WITH 2 ARMS STOP TRYING TO HOLD IT ALL TOGETHER
drop some shit, have a cry, use both hands to give people the finger
— Mandi Em (@HLFHM) July 26, 2020
4. One track mind
Did you just pull up a pro/con list on your phone?
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) July 3, 2019
3. A slice of life
“Have you seen our BLT? It was shaped like this.”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich pic.twitter.com/VrkoUOWGVb
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) August 4, 2017
2. Different time zone
I think it’s safe to say that my mind is more or less in a constant state of buffering.
sometimes i say “huh?” then answer the question before the person even repeats themselves. i’m not deaf, my brain just be laggin like a 2005 Dell desktop x
— levi jed murphy (@levijedmuxphy) August 31, 2019
1. Suspiciously tranquil
This tweet was written mid-2020, it can’t possibly be accurate.
When everything goes too well for 3 days in a row. pic.twitter.com/dU4BOcwmia
— 😷 (@BasitWorld_) June 29, 2020
Ah, the miraculous power of the internet. If those tweets didn’t completely cure you of all your troubles, we’ll give you a full refund of what you paid for them, guaranteed.
If Twitter was limited to discussing one topic and one topic only, what would/should it be?
Tell us your opinion in the comments.