I’m not a tech expert by any means, but here’s how I think Twitter works.
First, someone has a thought. This thought then bypasses the prefrontal cortex of the brain – the part in charge of judgement and impulse control – and heads directly to the thumbs, which pound it into a phone.
The phone then says a special prayer to the Twitter computer servers, which are somewhere in space maybe, and The Cloud precipitates the thought onto various screens throughout the world, at which point the thought is transferred into my brain by way of light wave-particle thingies.
And the result? Wonderful mild chuckles. Such as these gems! Enjoy this selection of internet science-magic.
What's classy if you're rich but trashy
if you're poor?
Getting money from the government.
— rishabh (@geeeeezzzzzzzzz) November 1, 2019
9. It’s like this algorithm KNOWS me!
I saw a girl post her Spotify top artists on her Instagram story with the caption “so accurate”. Like yeah it’s accurate… it’s literally data
— ? (@manster_mash) December 5, 2019
8. Bare bones prices
Nice try walmart, like im gonna spend $20 on a skeleton mask when i could easily just peel the flesh and muscle off my face for free
— AJR (@AJRBrothers) October 13, 2015
7. I only skimmed this one
Just bought 50 cartons of 2% milk and mixed it to get 100% milk. My bones are now indestructible.
— bit zel (@BitzelYT) December 8, 2019
taxes are essentially just a yearly subscription to the country you live in lol
childhood is the free trial
— Syndrome (@prodbysyndrome) November 25, 2019
5. Sweet over sweat
In a span of 17 years 114 people died in a weight lifting accident at the gym.
In the same 17 year time frame only one man died while eating a doughnut.
Life is about the choices we make. Educate yourself. Happy National Doughnut Day.
— Cydni Beer (@cydbeer) June 8, 2019
4. Tim Cook bout to get crushed
It’s a phone for giants.
— A Standard Deviation (@ARogueEngineer) November 29, 2019
3. Need a stepladder to kiss
Damn girl you are in a long distance relationship.
— Aswad Shiraz (@aswadshiraz) August 20, 2019
2. A failure to communicate
Girl: Our relationship is over.
Guy: Our relationship is what? Over. pic.twitter.com/5tPkWX2fdr
— Jeffery L Carter (@jcarter54) January 27, 2017
1. This guy’s on a roll
I just wanna be someone's prince Charmin.
See what I did there. I'll wipe out my account.
— Brandon (@Mechaniz10) March 17, 2020
Surely this is what the global internet infrastructure was created for. Thanks, Twitter. Thanks, Tweeters.
Who’s your favorite twitter personality to follow?
Let us know in the comments.