Our panel of experts have been hard at work examining each of these tweets for quality, durability, and safety.
They have passed the most rigorous standards and received the highest levels of certification available in the industry.
By which I mean, I looked at them all and I laughed and now I’m showing them to you ’cause I feel like it.
You are most deeply welcome.
Check out these ten quality tweets that are fit to pass any inspection.
10. Breaking decent
Way to look on the bright side, I guess?
getting diagnosed with adhd as an adult owns cuz you get to walk into a doctor's office and have a guy with a medical degree tell you "aye boss you got diet autism and the cure is to microdose meth" lmfao
— female boyfriend (@weedhitler) January 27, 2020
9. Coming to an arrangement
If you live in an apartment complex just know that your neighbors hate you now.
To be honest we got to the “re-arrange furniture to see how it looks” stage of quarantine a lot faster than I expected.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) March 18, 2020
8. Chunked up
I need to see your data and your research methodology, please.
i don't wanna be rude, but i've gathered enough info in my life to know that people who like chunky peanut butter like to be choked during sex
— David Veltri (@Veltrida) November 13, 2018
7. Getting a head
Maybe it’s an exciting new combination!
One of my favorite games to play is “is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of proper nutrition, my ponytail, stress, lack of sleep, not wearing my glasses or brain tumor?”
— parker 🌤 (@pmilbs_) March 15, 2018
6. Just in time
Learning is for nerds.
Today I completed a chore I have been putting off for six months. It took 15 minutes. I will learn nothing from this.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) March 3, 2020
5. Get with the program
Well something needs to get debugged.
Women aren’t less horny than men. It’s just that our horny program runs in the background and yours is a popup.
— Weak Ankles (@ankles_so_weak) August 13, 2019
4. Proof of purchase
“Will I need a record of the fact that I bought this tube of toothpaste? We can’t know. There’s just no way to know.”
Little secret about me: my answer to the question “would you like a receipt” is based on absolutely nothing and changes all the time
— Chase Mitchell (@ChaseMit) July 30, 2018
3. Talk birdie to me
The longer you look at it the worse it gets.
I want to do whatever drugs Hieronymus Bosch did when he thought about painting a bird person wearing a kettle as a hat eating a naked man that is pooping out birds pic.twitter.com/FbDnlbbWP1
— octopus/caveman (@OctopusCaveman) February 4, 2020
2. Cutting deep
What if they’re deeply into making deep dish?
if someone you know is getting deeply into making bread from scratch they are deeply depressed I promise you
— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) November 26, 2019
1. Top of the pile
And losing all your friends in the process!
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
— Jessie Jolles (@Jessiejolles) December 23, 2019
I dare you to find higher quality tweets than that. Those are built to last. Quality craftsmanship. Those are the kind of solidly constructed tweets that make me proud to be a citizen of the internet.
What kinds of tweets do you like the most?
Tell us in the comments.