The people of the internet have been hard at work lately creating content designed specifically to distract me away from all the horrors of the world and provide me instead with quality laughs and entertainment. At least, I assume it’s all about me. I don’t know who else anyone would be trying to entertain. But, as I’m very generous, I guess I’ll share some of the funny things that have been showing up for me lately. Even though they’re definitely mine.
Here are 12 of the best tweets you probably haven’t seen yet.
12. Light it up
This is the kind of history lesson I’m here for.
I wanna set shit on fire, but just a little bit
– inventor of candles
— JP 🍍 (@JPLFR80) June 12, 2020
11. Happy death day
That kid is going places, and I don’t want to be there when she arrives.
https://twitter.com/dreeaaxo_/status/1136068613113335814
10. Philosophy 101
This is why I’m “not allowed in group anymore.”
Me: *smoking a dog treat like a cigarette* ya know. in the scheme of things. houses are just Tupperware and we are God’s leftovers.
My therapist, visibly shaking: How did you get in my bathtub?
— ditch pony (@molly7anne) March 10, 2019
9. Doggy dreams
(Click the photo, it’s adorable.)
My dog does this every time we set the table and I cannot stress enough how much I respect her optimism pic.twitter.com/C3mym63pVK
— Jay Willis (@jaywillis) June 14, 2020
8. Foxy
He’s just grabbing a quick rest, then he’s gotta bounce.
this fox chillin on my trampoline is a vibe pic.twitter.com/fwwG1N9QcY
— bek (@loIidc) June 13, 2020
7. I scream
I basically have echolocation, like a bat.
Me trying to figure out how far away the ice cream man is based on how loud the music is pic.twitter.com/1jBKZY9pFR
— Tank.Sinatra (@GeorgeResch) June 17, 2019
6. The cycle continues
Gotta separate yourself from the herd.
You put your bottle of wine back in the fridge when you're done drinking
I put mine in the recycling
We are not the same
— Jude D (@heyitsJudeD) April 24, 2020
5. The algorithm rhythm
Please…no more…
Me: *accidentally clicks play on The Last Samurai but stops after 4 seconds*
Netflix Categories for the next 18 months:
– Continue watching The Last Samurai
– Because you watched The Last Samurai
– For superfans of The Last Samurai
– Samurai movies starring Tom Cruise— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) June 15, 2020
4. Drink up
Ah yes, I see, how silly of me to conflate the two.
I’m not a alcoholic I’m just always down to drink . Huge difference 😭
— Stephanie Serrano ♡ (@badgalxsteph) May 11, 2020
3. Money isn’t everything
Did they sign it “Love” or “Sincerely?” I MUST KNOW!
Me reading my birthday card while I pretend not to acknowledge the money pic.twitter.com/rMK2XCpmyV
— goattfishh (@goattfishh) June 13, 2020
2. The newest testament
When Starbucks starts acquiring religions this is how it’s gonna be.
Upset – iced coffee
Weak – iced coffee
Lonely – iced coffee
Worried – iced coffee
Anxious – iced coffee
Unhappy – iced coffee
In danger – iced coffee
Depressed – iced coffee
Lack of Faith – iced coffee
Need Courage – iced coffee https://t.co/aQUNe0nmYy— ⚔️ (@cherrymotionluv) May 27, 2018
1. Very a-peeling
This s**t really is bananas.
https://twitter.com/Hamzashahiid/status/1279780366866358273
For this blessing of a smattering of amusing tweets to brighten your day, you are most welcome. I accept thanks in the form of pizzas and cash, or cash pizzas.
Who’s the undisputed champion of funny Twitter?
Give us your vote in the comments.