Tweets are like chicken nuggets. They’re tiny, they’re tasty, they’re probably terrible for you, but left to your own devices it will only be a matter of minutes before you look down at a crumb-cluttered lap and say “Oh my GOD how many of those did I just consume?!”
To keep things under control, we’ve got a nice moderate portion of just 13 twitter bites to chew before you get back to the rest of your day. And they are ALL delicious.
13. Write up
My name is rap and I’m here to say / I’m mad at you in a major way
If you make a rapper mad he has to sing a song about you. Which I think is neat.
— stavros (@lawbsterfest) January 26, 2016
12. The little things
Speaking of delicious nuggets.
i miss being drunk and eating my mcdonald’s with my eyes closed
— ʎɐɹʇ (@traydominic) May 17, 2020
11. Hard of hearing
As an American English speaker this tweet is giving me a stroke.
Wenty the doctors way hearing problems n he goes can ye describe the symptoms n a says aye homers fat n marge has blue hair
— feekz (@feekhai) January 31, 2017
10. Wonderful gifts
This is absurd, I’m not good at crossword puzzles at all.
You were “gifted & talented” in elementary school, choose your path:
⚪️ fear of failure that plagues your every decision
⚪️ intense guilt that you’ll never live up to your earlier potential
⚪️ good at crossword puzzles
? all of the above
— Jess Zeidman (@jzeidz) January 31, 2019
9. Under cover
Years of prep and you blew it.
drug lord: "ill email you when we make the drop, what's your address?"
loud from my earpiece: "abort keith, abort"
— k e i t h ?? (@KeetPotato) October 11, 2016
8. Curry on
When I worked at a pizza place I thought a guy named “Whiskey” was making a prank order.
It was his real name.
Ma sisters just told me her pal canny get Indians delivered cause she lives on Curry Street n they think it's a prank call
— Lewis (@lewisTVAOF) February 16, 2017
7. Shots shots shots shots shots
Still smarter than an anti-vaxxer.
[holding my new born son]
me: he’s beautiful
doctor: we’re gonna have to give him some shots
me: oh hell yeah pour up it’s his fucking birthday
— ㅤWoe (@DukyStainz) July 25, 2018
6. Triple threat
This dude is the most dude that ever duded.
Just read the name Guy Chapman. That is easily the most redundant name I've ever heard
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) February 9, 2015
5. Quest time
“You don’t happen to like, have some Eagles that could do this for us, do you?”
Gandalf: what up frodo
Frodo: not much just been chilling in the shire my entire life like every Hobbit ever except for my uncle when you made him go on that ridiculous quest
Gandalf: cool cool
Gandalf: so are you into jewelry and walking a lot or
— Quilliam (@nyquills) April 19, 2020
4. Use your words
We are free from their bewitchment.
Kinda feel bad for attractive people who are now having to communicate with their words for the first time and realizing they don’t have a personality
— wittyidiot (@stephenszczerba) April 14, 2020
3. Turning heads
Yeah, you WISH you could look like this.
There's a little baby staring at me on the train and frankly I can't blame him. I look incredible
— chip malfunction (@online_shawn) January 18, 2019
Where does it end?
Me: So before they invented the toilet paper roll did people just carry a bunch folded up in their pocket or did they wear it around their neck like a scarf or what?
Therapist: I want u to meet someone. This is Audrey, my therapist
Audrey: Wow u weren’t kidding
— Lord Hugh Mungus (@PoodleSnarf) February 3, 2020
Cars are God’s way of keeping us all humble.
Being poor is cool cause you’ll be saving up for something that you really want and you’ll almost be there and ready to buy it and then your check engine light comes on.
— Daddy Velo (@sweetbabyjmar) August 8, 2019
Mmm. Yummy AND filling. We hope you’ve enjoyed these bits of snack-able silliness. Come back soon for more!
What do you use Twitter for?
Tell us in the comments.