Need a break from things that are serious or dignified? Then have I got the thread for you. Anyone who’s used a urinal knows that there are certain sort of unspoken rules of conduct. You face forward. You stay quiet. You always leave one urinal between you and the next person if possible. These are the principles that allow society to function.

But what if we threw all that out the window and imagined the opposite; the worst way to behave in the already uncomfortable setting of a public bathroom? That’s what OpponentBacon wanted to know when they posted their question to r/AskReddit:

What’s the worst thing to say to the person next to you in a urinal?
byu/OpponentBacon inAskReddit

I’m happy to report that there are more than 12 thousand ideas in response. Surely this is what the internet was intended for. Let’s look at some now.

1. There’s the “disturbing moment of sincerity” approach.

When you’re done quietly say good bye, pat them on the back, and walk away.

– Archer2408

2. Sprinkled in with the hypothetical ideas were plenty of weird real-world stories.

I had a friend who had an experience like that in a Walmart bathroom. A guy apparently walked up behind my friend while he was at the urinal, whispered “how’s your dad doing?”

Into his ear, and left like nothing happened. It would’ve been one thing if he knew the guy but he was a complete stranger.

– Dlaxation

3. Some suggestions would leave your victim forever wondering what you meant.

takes a peek over the barrier

Oh! Yours too? I thought I was the only one!

– ARealWowMan

4. …or just plain worried.

I have the perfect oils for that. Would you be interested in coming to a seminar?

– Yawniebrabo

5. Imagine trying to respond to something like this.

Hey, can you hold this for a second?

– TheBlueNinja0

6. Please don’t ever actually do this, it’s so unnerving.

Are you here for the Craigslist ad?

– billnyethewiseguy

7. Who you gonna call?

What do you think happens if we cross the streams?

– johnthesavage20

8. It’s the real stories that were most disturbing.

“Nice watch”

I wasn’t wearing a watch.

– randomEODdude

9. Some of these are just dad jokes.

“So, you pee here often?”

– TheMysteriousMann

10. A few suggestions verge on performance art.

Just scream. As loud and sudden as you can.

Bonus points if you stop and act like nothing happened.

– Alpha_pro2019

11. A little choreography goes a long way.

Nothing. Just slap one hand on the wall, and then while you have their attention slap the other hand on the wall and hold em there.

– septicswadler

12. This sounds like a fun way to get arrested.

One time at a college football game, my buddy and I went to piss during halftime.

It was so crowded we had to stand in line and it felt damn near shoulder to shoulder at the urinals.

Anyways, as I got to the urinal I glanced to my right and saw a national guard(there for security) in full outfit with a rifle hanging off his shoulder.

Without hesitation, I shouted “Wow guys this dude has a huge gun” and the entire bathroom bursted into laughter.

– VaughnRidge

13. And I’ve saved the worst story for last.

Buddy of mine midway through a bottle of antibiotics that turned his piss deep orange went to the bathroom at a baseball game.

Restroom had one of those long angled troughs and he gets on the very end.

Everyone goes quiet when a wave of deep orange urine runs across everyones streams and he now has an entire trough-line of heads looking at him.

The guy next to him says, “Your girlfriend a pumpkin dude?”

– Nautikool

Of course, this is all hypothetical. Please don’t be this guy. Like, ever.

That said, any suggestions?

Let us know in the comments.