Have you ever seen a Tweet? They’re sort of like books, but way shorter. Or like, jokes, but sometimes longer.
They’re um…ugh, how to describe it?
They’re blogs that tell you very little about what the person has been up to. They’re poems if poetry rarely rhymed and was generally angrier. They’re how the United States sets national policy now?
Ringing a bell at all?
Oh, nevermind, I’ll just show you. Here are fourteen of the finest examples of tweets that you’ll see today.
14. Chicken skit
This just has layers and layers.
“I’m not like other girls”, she said, golden skin shimmering in the summer sun, and she wasn’t, she was a rotisserie chicken that I bought, took outside, and performed a small skit with in the parking lot before eating in my car while sobbing loudly
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) July 30, 2019
13. Blind passion
It’s the thought that counts, I guess.
One time I saw a video of a guy holding up a sign that said "I love you Stevie" at a Stevie Wonder concert. I think about this a lot.
— in search of spooky name (@SortaBad) April 26, 2016
12. Time is relative
Just @ me next time, why don’t ya.
QUARANTINE SELF-DISCOVERY: I am still regularly late to things even when they don't involve traveling any physical distance
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) March 25, 2020
11. Train of thought
“Fifty ways to say goodbye? There are well over six thousand languages in the world! In this essay I will-”
[neil degrasse tyson at a Train concert]
JUPITER IS A GAS GIANT YOU CAN'T HAVE DROPS OF IT
[fighting off security]
MORE LIKE DROPS OF STUPIDER
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) October 9, 2017
10. Bloody mess
A new twist on an old classic.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank..
The rabbit says, I think I might be a type o.
— Dad Jokes (@Dadsaysjokes) February 22, 2020
9. Pasta planet
Take me to your leader, the Chef Boyardee.
friendly reminder that planet earth is a dense molten core encased in a layer of solids and therefore is, technically speaking, a ravioli
— danny nett ? (@dannynett) October 1, 2019
8. Spreading the clap
I legit used to do this all the time in college, it was hilarious.
Last night I realized that if you start inexplicably clapping when one of your friends arrives at a party, everyone else at the party will start clapping, too. It's the perfect wholesome prank, 10/10 highly recommend.
— Jen Lewis (@thisjenlewis) May 20, 2019
7. By the books
Look at this stuff, isn’t it neat? Wouldn’t you say my collection’s out of control?
ART COLLECTORS: my vault is hermetically sealed
COMIC COLLECTORS: everything is ordered by issue and in plastic
TOY COLLECTORS: I've never even opened this box
BOOK COLLECTORS: (erupts from a pile of books) I have no idea what I was looking for when I started
— Henry Sotheran Ltd (@Sotherans) February 12, 2020
6. Math doesn’t lie
I don’t need this kind of accurate negativity, thank you.
The number of memes you share is directly proportional to your depression
— ℳⅈℕℍãℐ (@sahvvk) August 27, 2019
5. First down
It’s gonna be a real nail-biter, folks.
When a woman says 5 minutes, think like 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter and both teams have all of their timeouts.
— Costco (@KirklandJones) May 5, 2019
4. Pass it on
I hope this conversation has actually happened in the wild at some point.
"Bro, you want this pamphlet?"
— Steven W Skinner (@SkinnerSteven) November 16, 2018
3. Packing problems
I probably shouldn’t leave the pair tree if I’m taking the partridge…
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I'll need 4 French horns or 5
— Just Some Guy | Black Lives Matter (@Home_Halfway) October 9, 2019
2. The eternal struggle
It’s no surprise to me I am my own worst enemy.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
— Eternal Samnation (@portmanteauface) February 7, 2020
1. Paper or plastic
Sounds an awful lot like something a robot would say.
I bought a car today, and the dealership had me check off — with a pen, on paper — that I’m not a robot. pic.twitter.com/x6nJ68e6uj
— Marci Robin (@MarciRobin) May 20, 2018
See, those are tweets. Now that you’ve got a taste for them, maybe go check out more. It’s wild I know, but I think these things might just catch on one day.
What do you tweet about the most?
Tell us in the comments.