I’ve done a lot of work in comedy in my life, and I can tell you one thing for sure: if ever you come across a guy who tells you anything along the lines of “women aren’t funny,” that guy, guaranteed, is not funny.
You know who is funny? These hilarious ladies of Twitter. Let’s have a laugh at some ridiculous tweets together.
14. The hairball number
Would have been a better version than the actual movie.
I want a realistic Cats movie where it’s just 2 hours of cats sitting in various boxes and one eventually throws up after 30 minutes of heaving
— sloane (sipihkopiyesis) (@cottoncandaddy) July 18, 2019
13. Furry friends
I swear these aren’t all about the movie Cats, there just happen to be two good ones in a row.
My favorite thing about the #Cats trailer is that it didn’t awaken anything (new) in me, sexually. So. Phew.
— Anna Kendrick (@AnnaKendrick47) July 19, 2019
12. The bad guy
To quote the great poets of my own era, “Teenagers scare the living sh*t outta me.”
billie eilish is just one of thousands if not millions of 17 year olds I am afraid of
— not a chill girl (@notchillgirl) June 12, 2019
11. Part three
Do not cross the streams of blessing, my child.
St Peter: ok the ghost busters just died, they did good so I let them into heaven, right?
Holy Ghost: absolutely not
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) March 7, 2019
10. Dog days
“Sucks to be you.” – dog, probably
"yo they lookin for u outside, i bit a kid." pic.twitter.com/g3BKz2eHvp
— pauline ? (@iicywifey) June 30, 2019
9. l i f t
God was definitely blazed when he thought up most of this stuff.
God *giggling*: They are gonna be so tiny.
Angel *writing*: ants… tiny… got it.
God *suddenly tearing up*: but omg so strong.
— sg? (@iamspacegirl) November 23, 2018
8. Flipper fashion
Do you take pre-orders?
Ah, the manatee vs the manacardigan, a very subtle difference. pic.twitter.com/Ab9FmALFEW
— Fossilized Tree Resin (@Jamberee13) December 21, 2018
7. Getting carried away
Love hurts. Not me, but somebody probably.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You're free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
— Hi, it's Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) February 15, 2015
6. More fish in the sea
I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
— jo (@WhaJoTalkinBout) July 4, 2019
5. Inbox blues
Every single day for the rest of my life.
(opening my god damn email) there better not be any god damn emails in here
— audrey farnsworth (@audipenny) July 8, 2019
4. Play the field
My insomnia is Alamo-based, so I totally get it.
Couldn’t sleep, I can’t stop remembering the Titans.
— sarah schauer ? (@sarahschauer) July 3, 2019
3. Planting and payoff
Another promising botanist retiring before their time…
“It’s over for you hoes,” I sigh, giving up my gardening career forever
— Rads (@FeelingEuphoric) July 17, 2019
2. Crime of the millennium
Burn marks were found on the body. It’s lit.
Cop: it was a brutal, bloody murder. whoever did this is a sick person.
Millennial detective: omg who did this ???
Cop: that’s….that’s why we called you
— all the time mais (@maisondecris) July 22, 2019
1. How do you dew
Be with someone who treats you like a queen.
DATE: I want to date someone that appreciates the best things in life
ME: [to waiter] Bring me your finest Doritos & a bottle of Mountain Dew for the table, please
— Roxi Horror ?? (@roxiqt) February 17, 2019
Those are some quality tweets right there. I think I’ll have some of them bronzed and put on my wall. Maybe then people will think I’m interesting?
Who are your favorite women on Twitter?
Tell us in the comments.