We all love Twitter, right? In that way where we sort of hate it but we can’t leave it because it’s holding our endorphins hostage all the time?
Anyway, the point is, it’s the best worst, and it gives us the best worst stuff to enjoy, like such as these fourteen random tweets that are sure to tickle your brain parts.
14. Cash money
“It’s hard to dance when you’ve lost your wallet.” – Mitch Hedberg
Me: I can’t believe I lost my wallet last night
Me last night with my wallet: pic.twitter.com/vQDrEvMhCB
— Luisa Lange (@Luisa_Lange) March 3, 2019
13. Best buds
That moment when you realize that your kid is sick as heck.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
— marf (@MarfSalvador) April 18, 2018
12. Do the math
Double the soft! That’s 4x as many much as it would be if these were smaller! And infinity more than none!
I dream of a day when paper-towel manufacturers just say how many rolls are in the package, and not how many hypothetical rolls would be in the package if they were some other hypothetical size.
— Howard Mittelmark (@HMittelmark) March 31, 2019
11. Health conscious
You went too far, you made the medicine taste way too good.
why they gotta make these gummy multivitamins taste so good but you’re supposed to only eat one a day like if i eat this whole bottle right now am i gonna be exTREMELY healthy or is my heart gonna stop
— search brayden bauer on spotify (@keefler_elf) April 1, 2019
10. Slap it
To be fair, pizza absolutely slaps and you shouldn’t correct him for saying so.
Told my dad to start using “it slaps” and now he won’t stop pic.twitter.com/htKvqiCOP1
— Jesika (@jesikalander) March 27, 2019
9. Trust the science
It’s funny because we are absolutely doomed.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
— Ben Rosen (@ben_rosen) March 29, 2019
8. Save the date
This is how you see someone around the block.
I just blocked someone on Instagram and, using my email address, he sent me a calendar invite to suck his dick at 9:30 am on September 17th
— Tank.Sinatra (@GeorgeResch) September 16, 2018
7. Who lives in a pineapple?
This tweet is an abomination before God and I’m sorry to have brought it to your eternal attention.
me: [naked and confused] w-which hole tho?
spongebob: i don’t give a fuck just do it
— Oh Skoog (@Skoog) March 29, 2019
This is the nominal innovation Deborah’s everywhere didn’t even realize they’ve been waiting for.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
— Christine Estima (@christineestima) March 29, 2019
5. That’s a wrap
It’s not offensive if it’s a work of art.
Me: Husband, please stop leaving empty wrappers on the kitchen surface.
— Lizzie Swann (@LizzieSwann1) March 26, 2019
4. Cheeky humour
…I need to have my eyes removed.
As poop is coming out of your butt it is temporarily a sandwich, but once it’s in the toilet it’s soup
— wilson (@MediumWilly) December 15, 2018
3. Those curves
I’d like a mirror, but I wouldn’t want it to be useful.
That one IKEA mirror everyone owned in college:
— Ecce_Homosexual (@Ecce_Homosexual) March 26, 2019
2. Double cross
At that point you’re in too deep.
one time during a high school cross country meet i pretended to faint .5 miles in because i was tired and the medics came and carried me to a golf cart and i’ve kept this to myself for 4 years- AND THAT’S SHOWBIZ, BABY.
— Brett Neustrom (@brett_neusty) March 27, 2019
1. The interloper
I’d like to be included.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
— chuuch (@ch000ch) March 1, 2016
Come back soon for more!
Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?
Tell us in the comments.