Breaking news: Twitter is a place with a bunch of funny people on it who say funny stuff and you can read their jokes and laugh at them for free.
I know that’s exactly actual news, but all the actual news out there is horrible and terrifying, so I figured a friendly fake headline might make your day better.
For more on this story, we go to these fourteen funny tweets.
14. The real killer
Alright, pack it in, 2020 has jumped the shark.
finally, an expert has weighed in https://t.co/PHoVEv2ITb
— philip lewis (@Phil_Lewis_) April 1, 2020
13. Coping mechanisms
I like how you’ve got backups of most of them. That’s smart.
Me any time I read the news pic.twitter.com/ywzjnSUUv5
— Ben Platt (@BenSPLATT) July 22, 2018
12. Wiped out
Just don’t go full Howie Mandel on us.
I just Clorox wiped a bottle of Purell and Purelled my hands cuz I touched the Clorox canister.
How far down a rabbit hole does this go?
— WOODROW PEEL (@WoodyLuvsCoffee) April 1, 2020
11. I’ve got a golden ticket
Remember to sleep head to foot.
been lying in bed so long my grandson is going to take over a chocolate factory
— your new dad (@drankturpentine) March 31, 2020
I think if you hit 90 you should just get whatever you want.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
— Laura Bassett (@LEBassett) March 29, 2020
9. On the right track
I’m afraid I can’t leaf this be.
he's getting ready to reveal that every single person on the train committed the murder https://t.co/F3jzNAvCZp
— Owl! at the Library ??♀️ (@SketchesbyBoze) April 2, 2020
8. What a crock
I’ll believe it when I see it.
Adult Milestones Nobody Tells You About: One day you will use, clean, and store your crockpot, all in the same day.
— Virginia McMurdo (@VirginiaMcMurdo) April 2, 2020
7. Fit for a king
Yeah it’s basically a super food, you’re good.
I just ate an entire king size bar of dark chocolate Kit Kat. Don’t judge me. Dark chocolate is healthy food.
— ?California Dreaming? (@Desert_Musings) March 31, 2020
6. No contest
Wait a minute, what exactly was the game here?
I don’t know what made me believe that I could win this contest? pic.twitter.com/Ra47hB0QWQ
— Tumi (@Itu_MIM) April 2, 2020
5. Origin stories
We can write history for our children.
3yo: dad why is everyone getting sick?
Me: well son, once upon a time there was an evil baseball team called the houston astros…
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) April 1, 2020
4. Country roads
Welcome to our world, everybody.
Most people: this is awful, I'm depressed and anxious and there is so much going on
Country music singers: this is my time to shine
— Sweet Momissa ? (@sweetmomissa) March 27, 2020
3. Key to my heart
I’m guessing even a fake mac is at least $1,000.
I bought a mini toy laptop for my dog. So he can at least look like he's helping support this family. pic.twitter.com/WbWcZKQD4A
— Meghan Camarena (@Strawburry17) September 2, 2017
2. Fear of missing out
It makes me feel very upper crust.
Self isolation is thinking you could be having sex when you wouldn’t be and eating more grilled cheese sandwiches than you should be.
— Phil Eagle (@phileagle_) March 30, 2020
1. Going out with a bang
Ah the good old days when we all paid a 300% markup on our alcohol.
Never knew I could miss overpriced drinks this much
— Bryan Russell Smith (@bryan_r_smith) March 31, 2020
This concludes our main story for the night. Stay safe, and God bless.
Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?
Tell us in the comments.