Tired of reading about current events? So am I. I prefer my media filtered through hilarious Twitter perspectives, thank you very much.
No matter how weird things get, Twitter is always there with a combination of social observations and hilariously poignant peeks into the lives of strangers that just keep you scrolling through for more.
Here is a selection of some of the finest new tweets of the era. Enjoy.
15. Best served cold
I don’t know if he’s a doctor, but I trust him.
fun ways to improve your mental health (i think)
– go for a walk
– make small useless purchases
– sip coffee on a porch
– pet a cute animal
— Matt. (@MattTheBrand) May 23, 2020
14. Marshall law
What even is that place?
Glad Marshalls is reopening, summer wouldn’t have been the same without some slightly irregular fashions and obscure snacks.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) May 19, 2020
13. Let’s get this bread
This is one of those “previously unsaid sentences in human history.”
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
— nige (@sensual_dad) May 22, 2020
You sound like a good sister.
My baby brother has a stutter and sometimes gives up saying what he wants to say when he sees people are getting impatient but talks my ears offf. A few days ago we’re talking and he says “you understand me” with teary eyes. Guysss, idk if it’s possible to feel anymore love♥️♥️
— fat belly shar (@Sharbillionaire) May 21, 2020
11. I can dig it
I wish someone would look at me the way all dads look at mulch.
Wait, FREE dirt?
— Dog Lover (@DogLovinBear) May 8, 2020
10. Bear with me
The real story is that Goldilocks broke into a broken home.
daddy bear: who’s been sleeping in my bed?
mommy bear: who’s been sleeping in my bed?
baby bear: why are you in separate beds wtf
— tom (@pilau) May 20, 2020
9. Put it on my tab
“He’s supporting the family, Karen.”
3yo: look mom I’m a bartender!
Wife: you’re a pretend bartender?
3yo: no I’m a real bartender!
Me: he’s not lyin this old fashioned is on point.
— WTFDAD (@daddydoubts) May 23, 2020
8. Now kiss
I both love and desperately want to unsee this.
When a friend laughs at your joke and you are also laughing, that’s the moment: That’s when you go in for the kiss. pic.twitter.com/pDArh7MGsT
— Katie Didn't ?? (@Pork_Chop_Hair) January 2, 2019
7. A sinking feeling
Nothing a little Skynyrd can’t fix.
*musicians on Titanic ask panicking passengers for requests
*in the distance, someone yells “Freebird”
— The Alex Nevil (@TheAlexNevil) May 22, 2020
6. Eyes on you
Ooo girl, show me that forehead.
I put on mascara to go to the supermarket today, like some sort of shameless, pandemic hussy.
— Ms Evilroyslade™️ (@msevilroyslade) April 16, 2020
I would pay a lot of money to have this ability.
wife: okay, who wants the last cook-
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) May 22, 2020
I want to dance all night, or for maybe 3 minutes.
? The butterfly, uh uh that’s old, let me see your tootsie roll ?
Me: Oh hell yeah! Time to hit the dance floor!! *instantly tears ACL*
— Son of Dad (@ThugRaccoons) January 4, 2018
3. A grander scale
It recognized the gravity of the situation.
I walked by my scale today and relatively sure it mumbled "oh fuck no"
— Steve (@AnExocticBeach) April 9, 2020
2. Homeschool hustle
Whoever said “learning is fun” is a liar.
Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the summer break beyond homeschool.
— Divergent Mama (@Divergentmama) May 22, 2020
This sounds like an error message on a horribly damaged computer.
I helped my kids build a fort. Once established, they put up the following sign and announced "None of your features can enter these parameters! …I don't know what that means, but I mean it!" pic.twitter.com/UShvCluT1S
— Starring Michelle ? (@starringmichell) May 22, 2020
That last one has had me chuckling for days now. I especially love the tiny “state yur bizznes” at the bottom. These kids are serious, and I respect them.
Who are the best people to follow on Twitter right now?
Let us know in the comments.