You wanna hear some jokes? Yes. You do. You definitely wanna hear some jokes right now. In fact you probably don’t want to hear anything else. You don’t even want to hear what I have to say in this intro. And yet you’re still reading it.
Why? You could skip ahead at any time. Nobody’s stopping you. But still you linger.
Is it because I’ve drawn attention to it now? Are you trying to prove something?
You got nothing to prove to me, man, I’m writing this in the past and I can’t even see you. But maybe you think it will pay off if you keep reading. Maybe you now believe you’ll find something unexpected at the end of this screed that will have made it all worth it. And guess what? You were wrong.
Anyway, here’s 15 great jokes that funny people on Twitter wrote recently. Enjoy ’em.
15. Out of this world
There’s a starmaaaaan waiting in the sky…
Congratulations to the Astronauts that left Earth today. Good choice
— Andy Milonakis (@andymilonakis) May 30, 2020
14. I do wanna
Memes will save us.
— RK Jackson | Atlanta ? (@theerkj) May 31, 2020
13. Cannibal romance
Press F to pay respects.
she ate him omg ? https://t.co/bETixsqAhx
— aaron (@baeronchan) May 26, 2020
12. Spice up your life
If you wanna be MY lover, you gotta take this down immediately.
I’ve been told I needed a spice rack in my kitchen. Did I do this right? pic.twitter.com/NtNXK4gco8
— Yann (@yannhatchuel) May 25, 2020
11. Equal rights
This is a strong if controversial stance and I can respect that.
if im going on a date i think regardless of gender, the other person should pay. this is rooted in the fact that i don’t want to pay
— al (@local__celeb) May 24, 2020
10. Older by the dozen
I didn’t ask for this but apparently I wanted it.
The Cheaper by the Dozen cast all grown up!! pic.twitter.com/hiBu0pZRwx
— chelsea (@chelseadeanne) May 28, 2020
9. White collar crime
Dude’s going away for grand theft pebble.
i saw this documentary seven years ago and i think about this line every day pic.twitter.com/YmlXFhHKCL
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) May 27, 2020
8. Live a little
U do you.
recklessly using “you” and “u” in the same sentence with abandon
— Erin Taylor (@erinisaway) May 27, 2020
7. Prophetic jams
“…and then disinfect it.”
kiss me thru the phone was approximately 12 years ahead of its time
— ♂ (@JavaughnSYW) May 27, 2020
6. Slay, king
I think your frog might be sick, Carl.
KINGS SUPPORT KINGS? pic.twitter.com/UoAKM1G33i
— brian the cranberry AriZona tea consumer (@BYaugs) May 26, 2020
5. What a waist
Are you telling me I lost money, gained carbs, and it wasn’t even tasty??
Nothing worse than spending money on food that did not hit the spot the way you thought it would pic.twitter.com/a9x4MDkwCv
— ČÂM SÊASÖN (@TakeAShilllPill) May 25, 2020
4. Love is dead
Things started to fall apart when Barbie tweeted she hated “fake” guys.
not them ? pic.twitter.com/x0R06sXLvk
— jules (@cowboij) May 23, 2020
3. It Musk be love
I barely understand what this means and yet it seems true.
Grimes and Elon Musk are the Kardashians for people who watch Rick & Morty
— Keifer? I Hardly Know Her (@DannyVegito) May 26, 2020
2. Call and response
This is how we’ll test for robots living among us in the future.
When I tweet a lyric and then someone else continues the verse https://t.co/938Japi6Yt
— KAIO? (@Kaio_J3) May 25, 2020
1. No score
Well I mean, their TEAM lost it.
High school football players were really like “ ima win this game for you baby” and then would lose 65-7
— CARLY (@carlyynicoleee) May 24, 2020
I hope those very great quite good twitter Tweets lifted your spirit a bit. Thanks for visiting with us today. And thanks for reading all these words I wrote. Are you still reading them? I mean, the good stuff is over, so I’d understand if you just wanted to go now. …oh, you’re still here? Great! Um…no, I’m out of things to say, we should end this.
Who are the best people on Twitter right now in your opinion?
Tell us in the comments.