There’s no denying it: the world is absolutely bonkers. If we were to put it to a vote, I’m be strongly in favor of tearing the whole planet down and starting over. I think it’s the only way we’re going to see a clear path to getting society back under control.
In the meantime, it sure is nice to know that there are certain comforting constants out there. For instance, Twitter. Even in 2020, people on Twitter are still making hilarious, half nihilistic, half light-hearted comedy to simultaneously lift and dampen our spirits in the best possible way.
Here are 15 of the best recent tweets from some of the women of Twitter.
15. Rock bottom
For those who don’t know, snooker is like pool or billiards. If I ever learn the difference, kill me.
I just watched fifteen minutes of a snooker documentary. We MUST find a cure for COVID-19 ASAP.
— Aisling Bea (@WeeMissBea) May 3, 2020
14. Be a man!
Fun fact: men never get sick. They are always lying about pain. Always.
I'm going to start being manly about my period.
IT HURTS, I'M GOING TO DIE, SOMEONE COME CARE FOR ME WAY LONGER THAN IT ACTUALLY LASTS!
— Ricki Came Home Tarr (@ShootyDoody) June 1, 2020
13. Big kiss
I am also learning this for the first time.
I just realised MUA stands for makeup artist. I thought it was just the kiss noise ye make with your lips after they put lipstick on. Heads wrecked
— Mattie McKenna (@Mattie8_) May 17, 2020
So, we’re clearly doomed but at least there are good memes about it.
Me hearing that I can’t see my friends or family but CAN go for a £1 thong haul at primark from 15th June pic.twitter.com/VJudUjIZvc
— sophie thompson (@sophxthompson) May 26, 2020
11. Decorative dinnerware
Mostly I just admire your tenacity.
Today I learned the tiny little whisk I assumed was a salad dressing whisk and have been using for about two years to make salad dressings is, in fact, a Christmas ornament.
— Bess Kalb (@bessbell) May 26, 2020
10. Corporate culture
These are the stories 2020 has given us.
So I was on zoom with the girls from college the other night and we all changed our names to just random shite, my dad comes into me this morning in a sweat saying he was after going on to his work zoom call and his nickname was “fattest arse in killester” hahahahahahahaha
— Louise Delaney (@louisedelaney_) May 6, 2020
9. When will my reflection show…
…who I am…insiiiiiiiiidde…
Wearing makeup so infrequently now that when I do I’m freaked out and enchanted by my reflection. Who is she, what film is she in
— Sophie Mackintosh (@fairfairisles) May 28, 2020
8. Big brain time
Just don’t let it go to your head.
today I measured my head for a cycling helmet and found out I have a ‘Large’ head, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
— Mollie Goodfellow (@hansmollman) May 26, 2020
7. Who helps the helpers?
Weirdly, she got the whole puzzle right.
Flipped over my therapist's writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with "shut up" written in every blank.
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) March 13, 2015
6. Flamin’ hot
The apocalypse is gonna be delicious.
my moms told me the government putting chips in ppl i hope i get hot cheetos ?
— ???? (@ravnsvmone) May 25, 2020
5. Indecent exposure
What did you expect to see?
Opened the internet to read the news and said "Oh, god, sorry" and quickly closed it like I'd walked in on a naked roommate.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) May 14, 2020
4. 8 legged freaks
As an arachnophobe, I refer to all of them as “no.”
Types of spiders:
-Big ol' son of a bitch
-Surprise—this is my bedroom now!
— Kristin (@FeralCrone) October 15, 2017
If anybody ever kissed me that loud I’d dump ’em right then and there.
tv shows and movies could turn down the sound of the kissing like 50%
— Ali Garfinkel (@aligarchy) April 30, 2020
2. Have you heard about this?
He’s getting super mad that we aren’t laughing.
Our reality right now feels like God trying out premises at an open mic
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) June 1, 2020
1. The hunt
It’s kind of a spectator sport, but, we all gotta find hobbies.
My only current hobby and passion is tracking packages
— Mariya Alexander (@MariyaAlexander) April 8, 2020
Again, 2020 – total trash fire. But Twitter? …Well Twitter is also kind of a trash fire, BUT not these parts of it. Follow these funny folks for more ferocious foolery.
Who are your favorite people on Twitter right now?
Tell us in the comments.