There are many awesome things about having kids (and a number that are also exhausting), but one of the things no one tells you is how they say really weird stuff – some of which makes it hard to sleep at night.
These 15 parents heard some doozies, too, and now you’ll never be able to un-hear their creepy-kid voices, either.
“Daddy sleep” then pushing my head underwater at the pool.
14. Girlfriend is woke.
I was on a bus recently and we were stopped outside a walk-in clinic. A little girl in the seat in front of me turned to her dad and said, “Death is the poor man’s doctor.” And that was that.
Edit: never realised this was an Irish proverb. Context: I’m Irish.
13. I could definitely see my kid writing this. Diabolical.
This sort of relates… It still makes me laugh hysterically… My childhood friend recently found his journal from when he was about 6 or 7… One entry said something along the lines of, “Sometimes Mommy gardens. Sometimes Daddy works inside the house. When Daddy thinks I’m with Mommy, and Mommy thinks I’m with Daddy, sometimes I like to go into the neighbors garage and play with their dangerous tools.”
For some reason I find this to be hysterical, specifically tricking the parents and the “dangerous tools” part. He has no recollection of this happening.
12. The backstory kinds of ruins it.
I was sound asleep, and at around 6am I was woken up by my 4 year old daughters face inches from mine. She looked right into my eyes and whispered, “I want to peel all your skin off”.
The backstory here is I had been sunburned the previous week, and was starting to peel. In my sleep addled state however, it was pretty terrifying for a few seconds. I didn’t know if I was dreaming, or what was going on.
11. The chickens see all.
I don’t have kids, but once, visiting some friends on a farm, my buddy’s youngest girl (5 or 6) at the time, was afraid of the chickens. I tried to explain to her that the chickens weren’t there to hurt us but she wasn’t having it.
So I’m sitting around the fire pit, looking at one of the chickens a few feet in front of me when I feel hot breath in my ear as she whispers:
“See. He’s always watching.”
Horrific and hysterical all at once.
10. How do you know it was HIM who wasn’t going to be there in the morning?
I was tucking in my two year old. He said “Good bye dad.” I said, “No, we say good night.” He said “I know. But this time its good bye.”
Had to check on him a few times to make sure he was still there.
9. I guess she’s still alive, though?
Not to me, but to his grandmother.
He was cuddling with her and being very sweet (he was about 3 at the time). He takes her face in his hands, and brings his face close to hers, then tells her that she’s very old, and will die soon.
Then he makes a point of looking at the clock.
(Edited to add details.)
8. I don’t think that’s the right answer.
I jokingly asked: “What’s the best way to get a girlfriend?”
7-year-old’s response: “Tell her to be my girlfriend or she’ll never see her parents again.”
7. Maybe you should just go on letting him think that.
My five year old son asked me last week “what do you see through the black circles in my eyes when you’re controlling me when I’m at school?”
6. And I would be dead.
My co-worker’s four year old daughter always thought that the rattling of the water pipes in the kitchen cupboards were “white wolves” and the sound always scared her.
One day she was sitting at the kitchen table and she said, “Mom. The white wolves aren’t bad… they’re our friends!”
Her mom encouraged the idea by saying, “Yes! The white wolves are protecting us. They are our friends.”
Then her daughter added in, “They’re our friends, but not the man who crawls on the floor and stands by my bed”.
5. I mean, yeah. At least SHE wasn’t scared.
While changing my daughter in front of the open closet door. She kept looking around me and laughing. I asked her what was so funny. She said, “the man.” To which I replied, “what man?” She then pointed at the closet and said, “the man with the snake neck.” I turn around and nothing was there. I’m afraid to look into the history of my house to see if anyone hung themselves in the closet. At least she wasn’t scared.
4. What if she’s right?
My 3 year old daughter stood next to her new born brother and looked at him for awhile then turned and looked at me and said,
“Daddy its a monster..we should bury it.”
3. I mean I never would have gone in there again.
Why are you crying?
What bad man?
“There.” Points behind me at a dark corner of the room
Lamp on bookshelf next to said darkened corner falls off as soon as I turn to look.
She slept in our bed that night
2. Okay, enough holding the baby.
So I shouldn’t throw him in the fire?”
3 year old daughter holding her baby brother for the first time.
1. I hope they gave you a big tip.
When I was a waitress, I watched a little girl (4ish) stab her plastic fork into her sandwich repeatedly, saying “die die die die die die”.
When I asked her what she was doing (her mom was in the bathroom for a minute), she replied with a straight face,
“I like to kill things, but mom says I shouldn’t. So I picked the ham because it can’t scream.”
My kids are barely talking, but I just know something like this is coming down the pike in a year or two.
Has your kid every fre*ked you out? What did they say?
We’d love to hear about it in the comments!