Did you know that the longer you live, the older you get? I know. It’s weird. And unwelcome. I didn’t sign up for aging, or having responsibilities, or being a sentient life form of any kind, really. If I had my druthers, I’d probably have chosen to be a nice tree. Something chill and low maintenance. But noooo. I had to become a being of inexplicable consciousness formed within the miracle that is the human brain. Plus I have to pay bills and stuff. Lame.
Here are fifteen tweets about getting older to help soothe the joint pain.
15. We all scream
That’s a cold, hard fact.
Me as a kid: [Falls 10 feet from the monkey bars] I'M OK
Me now: I tried to scoop ice cream that was just a little too frozen and I dislocated my shoulder.
— Ꮍᴀᴇʟ ?s her mailman (@elle91) November 17, 2019
14. Loosen up
The only thing I’m chugging now is Metamucil.
In my 20's a wild night involved more than 3 keg stands. Now "letting loose" means making myself a sandwich at an unconventional time of night.
— The Dad (@thedad) June 24, 2018
13. Poetry in Motrin
You can never be too careful.
I’m at the age where I wake up and take Motrin just in case
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) October 28, 2019
12. Take a hit
You’re officially an adult when you stop being surprised by the presence of a dinner table.
I think you know you're getting older when you start being surprised by the sight of a giant bong on someone's coffee table.
— Sam Evans (@ReallySamEvans) August 14, 2019
11. Taking inventory
This is why digital assistants need to step up their game.
If you're over 35 whatever you're about to buy, you already have it. Two in some cases. Go look.
— Janelle James (@janellejcomedy) July 29, 2020
10. Pride of ownership
See it’s funny because the economy that enriched our parents was stolen out from under us by greed.
Me, age 18: I'll be a homeowner by the time I'm in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
— Good Idea Guy (@SortaBad) October 4, 2016
9. Real cool
Sitcoms are people in their 30’s playing people in their 20’s with no jobs and a $3,000/month apartment.
The older I get the more I want to know exactly how characters on TV shows can afford their Sub-Zero fridge and Viking range kitchens.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) July 30, 2020
8. Wine about it
The date stamp on this tweet is ironic. Little did they know this would be the legal limit for all of us pretty soon after.
I’m at the age where going to the grocery store to pick up wine is all the social interaction I can handle
— Women Who Love Wine (@wwlwine) February 27, 2020
7. Bring the noise
It’s called the old man creak and I’ve made peace with it.
I’m literally at the age where if I lower myself to a squatting position, I’m not rising from it without making some kind of noise
— Nikki (@blondinthebronx) July 31, 2020
6. Plot holes
What are friends for?
After the age of 30 you really
only need two friends — one
for your alibi and one to help
you dig the hole
— wittyidiot (@stephenszczerba) January 18, 2019
5. Cut to the chase
Let it grow, let it grooooow, can’t hold it back anymore…
Being an adult means spending most of your time saying “I really need a haircut” but never having the time to get one
— 30andTired (@30andTired) July 27, 2020
Thanks a lot, biology.
i don't think it's fair that just because two people had sex a bunch of years ago now i have to feed myself and pay bills
— Lane Moore (@hellolanemoore) July 23, 2020
3. Diminishing returns
For most of us $1,000 just means “you’re allowed to keep living in your home for another few weeks.”
You become an adult when $1k feels like $20
— keariay marin (@keariaymarin) July 24, 2020
2. Key phrases
Should probably keep it in a drawer for the rest of my life just in case.
I’m at the age where, every once and a while I say, “what’s this key for?”
— Irene Bonner (@irenecoffeebean) September 9, 2020
1. High standards
Smokin’ hot takes over here.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) July 22, 2020
That’s it, I refuse to age. Somebody get me Benjamin Button on the line, I need to learn his weird secrets.
What’s the weirdest thing about getting older to you?
Tell us in the comments.