This Ask Reddit roundup is going to be slightly different…

How? The Humans of Tumblr staff is actually going to answer ALL of these questions to give you some insight into our twisted minds.

The following answers are still anonymous. I may have answered some of these myself, but you’ll never know which.

Let’s get to it!

1. Would you rather be on death row for a crime you didn’t commit, and the most important person in your life is free but they committed the crime… or be free, but the most important person in your life is on death row for a crime you committed?

Easy. I’d roam free.

Because if I’m enough of a psychopath to commit a crime like that, my conscience wouldn’t bother me if somebody else took the fall for it.

2. Kind of a spin-off but my friend once said “If you had to f*ck 2 people and their combined age was 28, how old would each one be?”

14 and 14. Super gross, but the least horrible age to pick.

You know what’s just as weird? 14 is the minimum age to get married in 33 states in the United States with parental consent. Yeah….

3. Would you rather have hiccups for the rest of your life or constantly feel like you have to sneeze?

Feel like I have to sneeze.

I feel like I could get used to that, but if I was constantly hiccuping, that’s literally a loop the body goes through and it would drive me insane.

4. Would you rather have everyone twice your age and older talk like an adult from Charlie Brown or everyone half your age and younger talk like a minion?

Kids talk like minions.

First, I don’t need to listen to kids that much. Second, I could get used to the minions language eventually.

5. Would you rather be ugly but smell amazing or be handsome/beautiful but stink?

Ugly but smell amazing.

There’s plenty of “ugly” people who live amazing lives.

And beauty is in the eye of beholder, right? RIGHT?!?!

6. Would you rather have to sprint every time you use your legs no matter the distance, or have to yell anytime you want to say something?

Sprint every time.

I’d be in amazing shape and people would get used to it.

Nobody would ever get used to me yelling constantly.

7. Would you rather be a strawberry with human thoughts or a human with strawberry thoughts?

Both sound adorable! Who thought of this one?

But… human with strawberry thoughts.

I like being a human and I’d like to know what strawberries think. I don’t think being a strawberry with human thoughts would be that fun. And you wouldn’t be around for very long.

Idk, I’m probably overthinking it?

8. Speak every language fluently or play every instrument perfectly?

I would speak the sh^t out of those languages!

Tbh, I could care less if I can play any instrument if I can talk with anybody in the world! That would be amazing!

Sign me up!

9. Would you rather give up access to the internet or give up access to motor vehicles?

So this is all access to all motor vehicles yeah?

Because if that’s the case, I’d still give them up. I can still ride a bike or a skateboard. It’d take me longer, but I’d be in better shape.

I for sure wouldn’t want to give up access to all of the world’s knowledge.

10. Get stuck at all red lights in traffic, or have incredibly slow internet (dial up slow) after dark?

Pfft, red lights for sure.

So what I have to wait another 30 seconds or so? Yeah, it might be frustrating, but there’s no way I’d want to have the internet by slow.

FUCK that.

11. Would you rather have tastebuds on your fingertips or smell with your perineum?

No, I’m not going to smell everything with my taint.

Tastebuds on fingertips.


12. All songs exist but they are all performed by Pitbull, or only one Pitbull song exists but it’s performed by every artist with their own cover interpretation?

I happen to actually like Pitbull, so no judging! But I’d rather have one Pitbull song performed by everybody else. Lots of different ways that could go.

Variety is the spice of life, after all!

13. Would you rather know how you’re going to die or when you’re going to die?

When I’m gonna die.

That way I’d make the most of the time I had left and I’d be able to not worry about dying randomly.

14. Would you rather fight Mike Tyson once or talk like Mike Tyson for the rest of your life?

Hahaha, wtf? I guess fight him once?

I mean, I’d probably get royally f*cked up, but I don’t want to have that lisp for the rest of my life. That’s worth getting pounded on for thirty minutes.

15. Always oral or never oral?

Never oral.

First and obvious reason.. I couldn’t have kids! And, tbh, in my experience… oral is overrated. But maybe that’s just been because of the people I’ve been with?

Idk… are we supposed to be answering questions like this at work? Is this allowed? lol

16. Cat with a human face or dog with human hands?

Wait, I’m confused. Is this me? Or my pet?

I guess if it were a pet… a cat with a human face because a dog with human hands would be trouble.

But if it were me, I’d want those hands. And dogs are cooler to be than cats. I want to be let outside to sh^t.

17. Cum every time you F*rt or F*rt every time you cum?

Cum every time I F*rt.

I mean, don’t F*rt that much, but having those feel amazing wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

And that’s a second secret I’d have if I let a silent, but deadly one loose.


Thank you staff! Those were certainly enlightening answers!