The question on reddit was simple: “What’s the most embarrassing thing a parent has done to you?”
The answers? Oh, they went WELL beyond embarrassing moments. People revealed their deadliest, creepiest, most insane experiences with their family members.
And just wait until you get to the dead grandma. That one is hilarious!
1. MOM! WTF?!
For some inexplicable reason, my mom decided that it would be a good idea to casually tell everybody at Thanksgiving dinner at her boyfriend’s house about my tween bouts with anorexia. I didn’t want to be there in the first place, and she just kept going on and on about how I used to just eat carrots for dinner for a year.
It got so bad that I eventually had to shout at her to get her to stop.
2. Don’t cry over spoiled milk…
My cousin ended his brother and father.
He got up one morning, had a glass of milk, I guess it was sour because he said they were trying to poison him. He shot my uncle in his bed, and then went after Robert.
When police arrived, he tried to say that Robert had ended his father and that he took the gun away from him and ended him in self-defense. However, the only place on the gun they could find Robert’s prints were on the end of the gun barrel, like he had tried to push it away.
He is currently doing life without parole in the Oklahoma Prison system.
3. No eyes
I had a music teacher who took his 4-year-old daughter to an old theater in Alaska. She started crying immediately when she walked in, so he took her outside and she stopped crying.
He took her back in, she started crying again, so he took her outside again.
He asked why she was crying, and she said: “That’s where the people with no eyes watch you.”
4. A big, warm glass of…
I had just come back from playing soccer (I was 12 years old) and was severely thirsty. I saw a glass of what I thought was sweet tea on the kitchen counter and immediately tried to gulp it down.
It turned out to be my father’s glass of dip spit.
For those that do not know, that is the spit that people who chew tobacco make as a byproduct of the process. I threw up all over the kitchen counter and floor and they found me there a few minutes later dry heaving in the fetal position.
I’ve never been able to even smell Copenhagen without gagging to this day and I am 26.
5. Mom of the century…
While suffering from postpartum depression, my mother set me on fire when I was 26 days old.
We don’t have a relationship but that’s from the rest of my childhood, not this.
6. A different kind of mourning…
My mother-in-law died one September after knowing she had cancer for less than a year.
My parents invited her widower husband to have Thanksgiving with us.
He spent much of the time giddily talking about dating apps.
My husband was not amused.
7. Melvin! Your mommy is on the phone!
One day at work, I was in the middle of an important meeting with a client in my office and I had not been checking my cell phone during this time. All of a sudden, my boss walks in to interrupt my meeting and hands me a cordless office phone, telling me that my mother is on the line. As it turns out, my mom had Googled my boss’ phone number, called him up on his office phone, and asked him if he could please put me on the phone.
Now, you’d think that all of that excessive hassle was for something important, right? Nope! She just wanted to whine about my step-father and was in the mood to talk at that particular time. No emergency or anything whatsoever. She just wanted to chat and had zero concern for the consequences of her actions, as per usual, unfortunately.
And so, that was the day that my boss and pretty much all of my coworkers throughout the entire company lost all respect for me. When the mom of one of their coworkers calls him on the boss’ phone just to talk about personal nonsense, there’s pretty much no way of recovering. A few months later, I resigned. There was nowhere to go in that place anymore.
8. The creepiest kid in the whole world
When my father was a kid in the ‘60s, he would go into the living room in the middle of the night, turn the TV on to static, climb on his rocking horse and slowly rock back and forth in the dark room only lit by the TV static and slowly say “I hate mommy. I hate mommy. I hate mommy.”
Over and over and over again.
My grandmother says it was the creepiest thing she’s ever seen.
Well, that and the UFO.
9. Ties that bind
As a teenager, after watching a cop show about a kidnapping, I got really curious about what it would be like to be tied up.
With some flexibility and creativity, I managed to get myself gagged and pretty securely bound to a kitchen chair. I could still get loose but not without some wiggling.
My mom came home early, and I couldn’t get loose in time. She fre*kED, thinking I had been robbed.
10. Wacky plants
My uncle recently told me that when my mother would ask him to babysit my brother and I while her and my dad went on vacations, she would often call him up while he was at our house and ask him to water the “wacky” plants she was growing.
To clarify how hilarious this image is to me, I grew up in a very loving, rule-abiding, middle class, extremely normal home.
The horrified look on his face when he realized that we didn’t already know this about her was funnier than finding out my mom grew illegal herbs while we were young.
11. The Cool Whip tub
I have an aggressive case of Crohn’s disease that started showing up around the time I was in 8th grade. My mom took me to all of my doctor’s appointments, which were all pretty embarrassing because, as you can surely imagine, no teenage boy in the world wants their mom involved in any of their b*tt related illnesses.
On one particular visit, we were about half of the way through our appointment when she whipped out a Cool Whip tub. As it turned out, I had used the bathroom the previous night and it apparently didn’t all go down properly. My mom, without my knowledge, happened to have discovered the remaining sample I had left in the toilet, so she thought it would be a good idea to load that thing up in our poor people tupperware and haul it on into the doctor’s office so that he could look it over.
He had the confused “What am I supposed to do with p*op in a Cool Whip tub?” face going for a good five to ten seconds, and then he politely dismissed the offer. Who would have thought that there isn’t any medical knowledge to be gained from fishing old p*op out of the toilet, refrigerating it overnight, and schlepping it up to an office for a visit.
12. Virgin territory
In high school, I was on the verge of losing my virginity to my girlfriend of two years who also happened to be my neighbor. The scene was set perfectly, both my parents were gone (dad was out of town and mom was working until nine) and I had just asked her to prom that day… So things are getting hot and heavy, and all the sudden I hear a noise downstairs, but assume it’s one of my cats wreaking havoc as usual.
Things continue and about a minute later my (extremely conservative) mom walks in, and as the door opens she lets out a faint scream and runs downstairs.
Now while this moment was awful enough, after going downstairs to face my mother who had immediately called my (also very conservative) dad, she goes on a rant about how irresponsible I am and how protection doesn’t always work, and I’m proof of that. So that’s the story of how my relationship was ruined (just got really awkward after that) and I found out I was an accident.
Maybe the act itself isn’t anywhere near as embarrassing as some of the ones on here, but I swear the situation made it mortifying.
13. Witchy woman
My uncle brought a woman other than his wife to Christmas dinner.
She was a practicing witch who would “divine” things about us on the spot and ironically accused my other uncle of having an affair.
She got tipsy and groped me in the coat closet, then tried to kiss me saying, “If only I were young again.”
I was 16.
14. The folded papers
While changing the sheets in my then ten-year-old (he’s now 12) son’s bed, when I pulled off the fitted sheet a folded up piece of paper fell out, I picked it up and unfolded it. Drawings of bo*bs. Just bo*bs. Big ones. Small ones. Giant ones, all with little dot nipples, I chuckle and tuck it back in. Then my hand feels more folded papers.
I pull one out, expecting to find more bo*bies, nope, they were d%cks. I laugh and put it back with the rest and continue on about my day. He gets home from school and talks about his day and school life. I ask what he did in free period, and he says “Nothing, just drew and played games with my friends.” I tell him I changed and washed his sheets.
He stops what he’s doing. Looks at me to see if I’m going to say or mention anything about his artwork. When I say nothing more, smiles and says “Thanks, Mom.” All the while he’s going through his backpack’s outside pocket, he pulls out three folded pieces of paper and shoves them into his pant pockets. Says he going to go change and takes off to his room.
15. That motherly glow…
My mum has done plenty of embarrassing things over the years, however the thing that immediately jumps out at me the most would have to be what happened to my sister.
She had been dating this guy for a year or two on and off. Now, normally his ethnic background would not be important, but for this particular story it is. He’s Black and my family is English, so we’re all pretty much paper white. This was all back when my sister and I were in high school many years ago.
It was Christmas, so he and some family friends were invited over and everything was going great until it the time came for opening gifts. My mum, who thinks she’s hilarious, decided to give my sister (who was still a virgin at the time) a deck of cards filled with “positions to try.” Remember, this was also in front of our close family friends, not just the boyfriend himself.
She was already mortified by that alone, but the worst was still yet to come. Her boyfriend opens up his gift and it has a little card in it, along with a box of glow in the dark condoms.
Mum: “Do you like the present? It’s so that she can find you in the dark!”
Everyone: Laughs nervously, while secretly wondering what on earth just happened.
16. The rabbits
My oldest daughter occasionally sleepwalks.
A few weeks ago, she came out of her room and entered the living room where me and the wife were watching TV. I asked her what was wrong and all she said was “The rabbits won’t stop screaming.” Then she turned around and went back to her room.
Not gonna lie, it creeped us out.
17. Is grandma dead?!?
My mother and grandmother had plans to go to a restaurant last year, but my sister convinced them to go somewhere else at the last minute. Of course, this means they had no reservations, but my sister is convinced that it’ll be fine and they might just have to wait a few minutes for a table. I live in another state, so I get to experience all of this from a distance.
They end up sitting at the bar while waiting for a table, having a few drinks and appetizers. After the second round of martinis my mother looks over and my grandmother is leaning back in her chair, completely limp and unresponsive. Everyone fre*ks out, paramedics are called, grandma is rushed to the ER.
I’m 1,200 miles away when my mother calls to tell me what happened. At this point, grandma is at the ER, still unresponsive, with crazy low blood pressure and high heart rate. I’m ready to book plane tickets and rush to the airport when my mom calls back and says: “Don’t worry, everything’s OK, your grandmother just got tipsy.”
Her blood test came back completely normal except for a BAC of 0.24 (3x the legal limit). She was awake now, so I got to talk to her and she was crying “I’m so sorry, I’ve ruined Thanksgiving.” I assured her that she hasn’t ruined Thanksgiving and that everyone is just happy she’s OK.
So my grandma is 90 years old, about 4’8″ tall, and 100lbs. She hadn’t eaten anything all day because she knew they were having a big dinner. She also ordered another martini while no one was looking, so the second martini was actually her third. This turned into the perfect storm of a really tipsy grandma. In other words, Grandma got run over by a martini.
Hey, if I’m 90-years-old, I’m going to drink whatever I want.
But maybe I’ll make sure everybody knows I’m going to get plowed first.
Ya know, so they don’t think I’m literally dead.