I opened up the Twitter homepage just out of curiosity to see what was trending today and immediately shut it back down like someone who opens the front door during a blizzard and instantly realizes what a stupid thing to do that was.
Now my brain is filled with the frigid chill of the insanity of the internet. That seems to happen quite a lot with Twitter, which is a shame, because when I head that way, all I really want to see are the funny jokes people come up with.
If you feel the same, here are some fire jokes you can read right now without having to delve through all the other, much less pleasant stuff.
9. Cutting the mustard
This has a lot of layers and they’re all bad.
this vegan shit is way too easy pic.twitter.com/p7EWb9MmiO
— 💯 (@1998hondacoupe) December 6, 2019
8. Compare and contrast
I can have my cake but you’ll eat it too.
The love I give to other people vs the love they give to me pic.twitter.com/OT24brv8Ei
— carlie jackson (@carliejacksonnn) July 26, 2020
7. Good boi vibes
So you just sit in your driveway for two full minutes like a psychopath.
When you reach your destination but don’t want to leave the car because the song is too good. pic.twitter.com/tMhWhq173P
— TamlikaS (@TamlikaShamsi) March 14, 2018
6. Out and about
The freedom that comes with captivity.
Someone could kidnap me right now and I’d just be grateful to them for getting me out of the house
— αlly (@ToonieLane) July 14, 2020
5. A major inconvenience
How DARE you, honestly.
"Can I have another ketchup packet?"
Fast food worker: pic.twitter.com/flPKK5dqlg
— greg 🪐 (@norfsidegreg) August 5, 2020
4. Add it up
Notification: “Get free delivery today only!”
Ten minutes later:
Me trying to figure out how getting one sandwich delivered costs $45. pic.twitter.com/9b5uJ3OsmX
— Missy Baker (@TheMissyBaker) August 5, 2020
3. The restaurant breakdown
I’m glad someone finally said that about Panera.
On The Border = Mexican Applebee’s
Outback = Steakhouse Applebee’s
Buffalo Wild Wings = Wing Applebee’s
and Panera is overpriced hospital food. ✨
— ❄️ (@AirMaxPrincess_) August 3, 2020
2. Day and night
This is an important step toward a better you.
I’ve decided to stop day drinking when it’s nighttime
— Sarah Cooper (@sarahcpr) July 13, 2019
1. Eat ’em up
I must have like straight up negative charisma points or something.
I can’t believe Charles Manson got people to commit murder for him and I can’t get a friend to commit to dinner plans.
— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) December 19, 2019
Remember, never head straight into Twitter unless you’re prepared to deal with the consequences. It’s quite a slog, but finding the funny gems can be worth it.
Who are your favorite people on Twitter right now?
Tell us in the comments.