I opened up the Twitter homepage just out of curiosity to see what was trending today and immediately shut it back down like someone who opens the front door during a blizzard and instantly realizes what a stupid thing to do that was.

Now my brain is filled with the frigid chill of the insanity of the internet. That seems to happen quite a lot with Twitter, which is a shame, because when I head that way, all I really want to see are the funny jokes people come up with.

If you feel the same, here are some fire jokes you can read right now without having to delve through all the other, much less pleasant stuff.

9. Cutting the mustard

This has a lot of layers and they’re all bad.

8. Compare and contrast

I can have my cake but you’ll eat it too.


7. Good boi vibes

So you just sit in your driveway for two full minutes like a psychopath.

6. Out and about

The freedom that comes with captivity.


5. A major inconvenience

How DARE you, honestly.

4. Add it up

Notification: “Get free delivery today only!”
Ten minutes later:

3. The restaurant breakdown

I’m glad someone finally said that about Panera.


2. Day and night

This is an important step toward a better you.

1. Eat ’em up

I must have like straight up negative charisma points or something.

Remember, never head straight into Twitter unless you’re prepared to deal with the consequences. It’s quite a slog, but finding the funny gems can be worth it.

Who are your favorite people on Twitter right now?

Tell us in the comments.