Look at you, you look absolutely famished for entertainment. Poor dear. Come on in and let us serve you up a nice hot bowl of funny tweets. You need a few of these every day to stimulate your growth and make you tall.
Let these random Twitter nuggets be chicken soup to your online soul.
14. Let’s get this bread
Nothing’s gonna make me drop my croissant.
Going to the Boulangerie for a croissant like pic.twitter.com/rACt3VeB4d
— jon drake (@DrakeGatsby) August 9, 2020
13. Count me in
There are too few Oscars in here.
2020 as told by your friends on Sesame Street ? pic.twitter.com/qvUNAFVbTc
— Sesame Street (@sesamestreet) August 7, 2020
12. He doth protest too much
Yeah, you witnessed a murder.
just bumped into a guy in the woods and he shouted I WAS BURYING A PIGEON at me. is that weird? cuz I think that's a little weird.
— haze (@hazelsheart15) August 8, 2020
11. Owl be back
Gotta show ’em what the pecking order is.
And I’ll do it again https://t.co/d0780eGC4a
— ? (@noceurowl) August 8, 2020
10. Fly by night
Don’t even mention the sun around my skin.
I’m so pale that even my night cream is SPF 60.
— Sooz (@CruisinSoozan) August 9, 2020
9. Don’t make a stink
This is the life, I guess?
Sometimes, I think about how my great aunt lived in a tiny cottage on a lake with a pet skunk for years up north. Never had kids. Never had a husband. Just her, her vegetable garden & pet skunk against the world. She truly lived the dream. What a legend.
— Roxi Horror ?? (@roxiqt) August 9, 2020
8. Role reversal
I think this is gonna tell her a lot more about you, actually.
my therapist is selling her house so i’m gonna find the listing online and make her living room my zoom background before our next session. you wanna get in my head? ok well i’m in your home, babe. i’m in charge now
— francis (@fictionaljake) August 8, 2020
7. Spill the tea
Welcome to Wonderland, Barbara.
“Would you care for some tea?”
“No thank you, I-“
“Sit down Barbara, we need to talk.” pic.twitter.com/IPU6yrRFFu
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) August 9, 2020
6. Hard to swallow
Aaaaaand it’s 4:00am.
Me: Time for bed.
Brain: How would Yoda say 'One swallow does not a summer make'?
— cluedont (@cluedont) July 31, 2020
5. Big decisions
It’s not a sale, dude.
customers really come up to me and ask “when this whole covid thing gonna be over?” Lmfao bro idk let me go ask my manager
— adri (@rofnl) August 5, 2020
4. Boxed in
Enter at your own peril.
CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES
THIS IS MY CARDBOARD FORT pic.twitter.com/RTzguEYa5Y
— Curious Zelda (@CuriousZelda) May 14, 2020
I HAVE THE ENERGY OF THE AGES WITHIN ME!
Me: You need a nap.
4-year-old: *screams loud enough to shake the walls*
I stand corrected.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) August 5, 2020
2. Making friends
I thought this was banned by the Geneva Convention?
I’d rather be put in the luggage hold than have to sit like this on a plane https://t.co/jCCZzsAXXO
— Emily (@emilyhardinggg) January 29, 2020
1. What is IT?
They all float up there…
This happened to my parents! Balloons made their way into their bedroom in the middle of the night and got caught in their ceiling fan! I woke up to my mom screaming ?
— Avocado Mama (@HeatherStenwall) August 9, 2020
Don’t forget to get your daily dose of Twitter. If not here, from somewhere. It’s important. It’s for your health. Four out of five doctors would recommend it if they weren’t too distracted scrolling through their feeds. And that fifth doctor? Well that one just plain shouldn’t be listened to.
Who are your favorite people on Twitter right now?
Tell us in the comments.