Wanna know a fun and slightly horrifying fact? If you were to try to go through and read the tweets that were tweeted last week – and I mean, just the ones from last week – it would take you over five hundred years to finish.
Seriously. Five hundred million tweets a day.
Average it out to about 5 seconds to read each one and – assuming you never had to stop to eat or sleep because you got some immortality potion, you’d finish up around the year 2574. All your friends would be long dead but you’d know all the best jokes.
Since you probably don’t have that kind of time or potions, we’ll just whittle it down to a few random good ones.
10. Asking the real questions
These monsters aren’t even letting me floss.
Me: will I need my toothbrush
Kidnapper: shut the fuck up
Me: I assume that means you’re providing a toothbrush
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) February 8, 2019
9. Putting it together
If you can’t get excited about some good shelves, you’re too young for me.
We put new shelves in the garage and have talked for 3 days about what a game changer they are. This is peak marriage.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 22, 2019
8. Transgressive art
I’ve actually been there. It um…it stands out.
"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
— the garbage shit boy (@davedittell) June 13, 2013
7. Keeping tabs
How confusing would it be if he ordered a Bloody Mary.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
— Abbie (@AbbieEvansXO) February 12, 2019
6. Male pattern boldness
These are the origin stories you don’t hear about.
[boarding the ark]
Bold Eagle: Bold Eagle
Hyena, from the back: more like BALD eagle lmao
Noah: lmao *marks down bald eagle*
— Kyle ? (@KylePlantEmoji) June 8, 2018
5. Wrong way
Oh, I’ve made my choice.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) February 15, 2019
4. Good boys
Brian sounds incredibly easy-going and patient.
I have lived next to the same guy for 3 years. Thought his name was Steve. I call him Steve. His name is Steve in my phone. I’ve been to his apartment. We’ve had dinner.
His name is Brian. His dog is Steve
— A Raider in PA (@ChetraiderATL) April 11, 2019
3. Spooky scary skeletons
These are the deep truths it takes years to uncover.
[first day as surgeon] Whoa shit there's a whole fuckin skeleton in here lol spooky
— andrew (@AndrewChamings) February 14, 2017
2. Time zones
There is a time for everything, and right now isn’t it.
Me: are you ready?
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
— Momarazzi. (@Mirimade) October 27, 2018
1. Middle man
Lycos: *looks over Bing guy’s shoulder*
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
— N (@CopernicusG) February 21, 2018
There ya go, just a few minutes of your day gone instead of several millennia.
Who are your favorite people on Twitter right now?
Let us know in the comments.