Yanno, sometimes when I’m surfing around Ask Reddit, I’ll come across poignant inquiries into real social issues that make me think twice about everything.

And then there’s this stuff:

You are allowed to replace any substance with mayo. What do you pick to cause the most chaos? from AskReddit

Agents of chaos, do your thing.

1. Silicon

This hits weirdly close to home for me. For a long time my friends and I have measured steam games in “sandwich sterling”.

Which is how many sandwiches you could have bought with the same money. We use it as a comparison of enjoyment. Would I have rather bought two sandwiches and enjoyed them or this one game and enjoyed it? That kind of thing.

Anyway, this would make that literal which made me smile.

– shortieXV

2. Gasoline

No plastic, tires, shingles, no transportation, literally f**k everything over.

– 44Skull44

3. Hydrogen

I.. uh… You ended earth dude

– DarkestPassenger

4. Concrete

There would be a tremendous GLOSH and many people would immediately drown and get banged around by building materials and furniture in the gloppy mayo madness.

– OrgeGeorwell

5. Sperm from a sperm bank

Finally! People won’t give me dirty looks when I walk into a sperm bank with a loaf of bread and ham.

– yukonhoneybadger

6. Shower water

I like it – a bunch of scientists are going to embark on a quest to figure out why it’s just shower water that transforms.

Is it mayo in the pipes? It does it transform in the shower head? What about garden hoses held above your head in a shower-like fashion?

– ljr55555

7. Currency

In that case, I’m in possession of a lot of counterfeit

– osurwport

8. Instruments

No Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument

– Pheonyxxx696

9. Nitrogen or gold

Gold would make lots of rich people mad, nitrogen would just kill us all

– LordOfTheCats64

10. Ketchup

Utah has this incredible thing called fry sauce that is one part mayo, one part ketchup, and then some spices. We eat that s**t on everything.

You would single handedly destroy our entire culture. I promise.

There is no fry sauce anymore. Just seasoned ketchup. Our state would go into immediate lockdown until science could explain what happened.

– real_donald_pump

11. Gorilla Glue

That tic-tock lady’s hair would be soo moisturized.

– SinisterStrat

12. Glass

Pedestrians on city sidewalks would be blessed by mayo descending from the heavens and every car would be a Jeep

– sW0NT0N

13. Egg free Mayo

The vegans must now stop eating mayo

– TimeToF**kPigeons

14. Thermal paste

Computers everywhere experience overheating and/or come grinding to a screeching halt.

These days I bet that’s the most chaos per volume of replaced substance.

– InsidiousTroll

15. Sand

Every window, screen and windshield turned to Mayo in an instant.

Almost all electronics become unusable, concrete buildings falling to the ground, and the beaches, oh god the beaches.

Let alone the mayhem under the sea! It’s perfect!

– Titan7856

16. Clothing

roses are red, violets are blue, i’ve turned clothing into mayonnaise, just to mess with you 🙂

– VixieFoxMC

17. The electron

Mayo contains electrons.


– Morphized

18. Coffee

All liquid coffee is now coffee-flavoured mayo.

– JudgeJudyApproved

19. Diamonds

And set construction work back by a few hundred years.

– DoctorVanSolem

20. Plutonium 239

Would cause a massive international crisis..

– VY_Cannabis_Majoris

21. Money

Watch every government fall overnight, all hail the mayo lord.

– Brudy123

22. Sand (again)

Mayo beaches

Mayo volleyball courts

Children playing in Mayo boxes

But mainly, Mayo in all concrete- that’s a lot of chaos!

Bonus for Reddit: Pocket Mayo.

– MudIsland

23. Carbon

The whole planet would collapse under your feet and your body would turn to mayo

– Advance-Vegetable

24. Water

All water on earth is now mayo.

So now it rains mayo, we have mayo oceans, and we die because our body is mostly water.

Therefore, we would be mayo.

– Coolscee_Gaming

25. Granite

Imagine you are just chilling but the the floor gives way to a crust that has been mayo-ed

– I_Am_Shotgun273

26. Vanilla icing

Society would collapse within minutes

– lildanta

27. Concrete

There would be a tremendous GLOSH and many people would immediately drown and get banged around by building materials and furniture in the gloppy mayo madness.

– OrgeGeorwell

28. Soap

I’m gunna puke just thinking of that.

Everything everywhere would be so f**king greasy

– Aliencj

29. Water

Imagine the snow, or Antarctica.

The inuits would live inside mayo.

– xxgiiinaaxx

30. Mayo itself

Probably mayo, especially if everyone is anticipating the change.

The change would have happened, but no one would notice, so every time anyone opens anything they have to low-key expect mayo.

Paranoia will reign supreme as I watch the world spiral into chaos.

– SorrowAndSuffering

Alright, that’s enough internet for today.

What would you choose, and why?

Be weird about it in the comments.