We all work hard and look forward to taking those vacation days when we’ve earned them – bonus if we live somewhere cold or not-beachy and are able to book a tropical trip just when we need it.
So, I imagine that Andrew Kimmel was pretty disappointed in how his last-minute trip to Cabo, Mexico turned out.
Luckily for all of us, he documented the entire thing in a Twitter thread that’s one of the more entertaining things I’ve read this year (so far).
It all began when Andrew realized that to keep his status with American Airlines, he would need to spend $275 on a flight. So, he booked a last minute trip to Mexico.
Dear @AmericanAir,
After arriving back to LA from Indonesia, I was $275 EQDs under (yet 25K miles over) from maintaining status. You asked me to pay $1875 (?!) to keep status, so instead I booked a $400 rt ticket to Mexico for 24 hrs. Here’s how my fucking night went…
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) December 31, 2019
Take that.
He rented a reasonable car, checked into a hotel, and grabbed dinner with some locals who picked up his bill.
I managed to find a cheap hotel room and rented a car for $35. I went out for a nice dinner and met a family who surprised me and paid for my bill (perhaps I should eat alone more often!). I then decided to hit some bars. And this is where my 24 hour mileage run got interesting.
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) December 31, 2019
Nothing to see here…yet.
Mr. Kimmel decided to go drinking, and at the last bar of the night, things began to get interesting.
The bartender handed him a bill for $300 – he’d only had 2 beers – and when his credit card was declined due to fraud protection (he’d forgotten to charge his phone so couldn’t approve the charge), stole his card and passport, and had him arrested.
At the last bar of the evening, I was presented with a bill for over $300. I had two beers. The bar manager said I needed to pay or he’d call the police. I give him my credit card and it was declined due to fraud protection, which I found out today as my phone had died earlier.
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) December 31, 2019
Things went from bad to worse…
The bar manager was now threatening me. He grabbed me and brought me to an ATM outside. I refused to take out cash. So he called the police, of which I welcomed. Surely the Mexican police would understand the situation ?♂️
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) December 31, 2019
Kimmel claims to have had quite the chuckle with the police, who were in on the swindle, but that wasn’t going to help him.
Of course the police were working with the bar manager w/ the tourist swindle, so the police handcuff me as the bar manager steals my debit card and passport. I’m put into a police car and sit up front with two officers. We actually got along quite well as I applauded their con.
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) December 31, 2019
He was supposed to get out in 30 minutes.
3 hours later, no one had come for him.
The police bring me to a jail somewhere outside of Cabo. I asked if they could at least get my passport back. They laughed and said they’re locking me up for 30 minutes then letting me go. I’m placed in a cell with a guy from the UK who got into a fight.
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
And he meets a friend!
“My f*cking wife is going to kill me…” he tells me. I tell him to say someone else started a fight with him… but he knows his wife will call him out his bullsh^t. I’m still in good spirits at this time. Thirty minutes in a Mexican jail? Could be worse…
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
But yeah, a lot of time goes by…
Three hours goes by. “Capitan? Capitan?” I shout through the bars. It’s now daytime and my cell mate tells me he’s gotta take a sh^t, but there’s no toilet paper. There is a blanket covering the window, so I suggest he take it off and use that. And he did.
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
The next morning, a kind Kenyan woman who had been tossed in the clink by an Uber driver who claimed she hadn’t paid him bailed out Andrew, and the two of them set off looking for a ride to the airport.
Now cold and jetlagged from my previous day’s travel from Indonesia, I decide to rest my head on the metal tray bed. My cell mate’s wife found him and posted bail. “Ah f*ck, I should just stay in here” he tells me… genuinely worried about the upcoming encounter with his wife.
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
Note: NEVER fall asleep during situations like this, but DO befriend friendly Kenyans.
I doze off. I’m awoken several hours later by an officer. “Your friend pay bail.” What the f*ck? Im given my belongings and shoved outside where a woman from Kenya was waiting for me. “I heard what happened when you came in, so I figured you could use some help.”
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
She went through something similar…
I thank her over & over and ask what she was arrested for. “I ordered an Uber and the driver said I didn’t pay.” f*ck Cabo. So now the two of us start walking to nowhere and spot a guy chilling in his car. We ask for directions back to the marina and he instead offers us a ride.
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
Cabo, your tourism department could use some tweaking.
Imagine if a Mexican & a Kenyan came up to a car in the US & asked for directions. Anyways, we get to the marina & the Kenyan offers the guy cash… he refuses. It’s now 2:00 & my flight leave at 3:26. The Kenyan joins me to the airport, but unfortunately her flight was at 8:30am
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
At the airport, Kimmel is faced with the missing passport dilemma.
I have no f*cking clue what I’m going to do. I call passport control in the States to report a stolen passport. They tell me to call the local embassy. I call and they’re closed. I ask my new friend to wait in the car at the airport as I run to the airline desk. It’s now 3:00pm.
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
I tell the airline agent what happened and ask if there is anything I can do to get home. I show her my Real ID (what a stupid f*cking name) and a photo of my passport. She gets on the line with CBP and somehow arranges for me to jump on the last flight out without a passport.
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
I’m directed to the immigration desk as the airport and advised I need to purchase a new immigration form for $35. “All I have is my credit card,” I tell them. I’m then redirected to another desk that accepts credit card payments. “We’ll need your passport to process, sir.” pic.twitter.com/WsAZQSuLCV
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
The Kenyan woman wants to make out with him and maybe more, but Andrew just wants his status and to get home in time for his NYE party.
I run back to my friend in the rental car, tell her I can make the last flight out, but I needed more money ?♂️ At this point, I’m losing my sh^t over just about everything, and she grabs my hand, tells me it’ll be ok and then kisses me ? I kiss back. What the f*ck is happening?
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
My phone finally turns back on. I let my friends know I’m in Mexico without a passport and just spent the night in jail, so I might be a little late for our New Years party tonight. They expressed concern, then bask in my misfortunes. Within one minute, they whip up this gem ? pic.twitter.com/MuKe9zECVf
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
“If you don’t make your flight, you can stay with me at my Airbnb,” my jail crush tells me. f*ck. What once was “get me out of Mexico” turned into, “well this could be interesting.” But of course I couldn’t. I came to Mexico for a godd*mn mileage run & I’m getting that status ✈️
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
As a romance author, I’m disappointed in this turn in the story, tbh.
Andrew makes the last flight out but not his party, presumably, since he arrived home after midnight, but he did maintain his status.
So to sum it up, I was $275 short for status… was given an offer to maintain for $1875 (!?), took a $400 flight to spend 24hrs in Mexico after 20hrs travel the day before & ended up in a Mexican jail w/ no passport, a $350 bail bill, & an African crush. Happy new year everyone!
— Andrew Kimmel (@andrewkimmel) January 1, 2020
I guess all’s well that end’s well. Except for the lost cash.
To cap it off, American Airlines replied to his first tweet only, missing the fun and, as is typical for airlines, the entire point.
Reaching Executive Platinum status isn’t easy. For those who make it, the benefits are amazing! We’re happy you’ll make your goal!
— American Airlines (@AmericanAir) December 31, 2019
And that’s how Andrew Kimmel began the year – and the decade – with the best thread on Twitter.
Fin.