If you’re looking for tweets, look no further. We’ve got ’em. And not just any garden variety, run of the mill tweets, either. No, sir. No, ma’am. No way.

You won’t find these tweets lying around in gardens NOR mills. These are top shelf tweets. The kind that are behind the little pane of glass at the drugstore and you have to flag down an employee and ask them to take out their little key to open it up and they say “Actually I don’t have a key but I think Gary does, hold on a minute,” and then they disappear and you wait around for ten minutes for Gary to show up and then that first person wander back over and says “Can I help you with anything?” and you’re like “YES I STILL NEED TO UNLOCK THESE G*DD*MN TWEETS, PLEASE!”

…they’re those kinds of tweets.

10. Thicc boi

I will definitely see you later, alligator.

9. The unthinkable

Soon there will be no crust left in this universe, for God has abandoned us.

8. Rock and roll

Don’t be ridiculous.

7. Relatively speaking

Computer? Never heard of it.

6. Feeling secure

That’s the world we can hope for.


5. It’s hopeless

We’re not like, super motivated as a species.

4. The truth comes out

A man of simple tastes.

3. Red alert

Don’t mock, he’s out here keeping you safe.

2. Tighten up

I see what you did there.


1. It’s a sign

That’s really how bad their microwaved wings are.


Glad we could get those out for ya. Do come back soon!

Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?

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