Guess what time it is! No cheating! No looking at clocks! No checking sundials! No pressing your ear to the earth to become one with its rotation and vibrations, so fully integrating your soul into that of nature that you sense time on a level not felt by our petty societal concerns! None of that!
Give up? It’s Twitter time! See, if you’d been able to look at a clock, it would have told you that.
Sorry, I’m not sure what I’m talking about today. I’m just so excited to look at some funny tweets. Let’s hurry up and do that before I say more nonsense.
10. Fork you
The question is: did you tell her yes?
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
— erinaceous (@Mom_Overboard) August 16, 2020
9. Rest in Greece
That’s a marketing idea you could have sold instead of giving out for free.
why do we call them olives and not Greece’s pieces
— Kerry on Wayward Son (@EmissaryKerry) August 17, 2020
8. Just one thing
Or don’t, that’s fine too.
me in 2019: ~* dO ONe tHiNg EvERy DaY tHaT sCaReS U*~
me in 2020: do one thing every day!!!!!!!!!!!!!(eating counts)
— Catherine Cohen (@catcohen) August 16, 2020
7. Regression jam
Aaaand now I’m doing the very same thing.
how are all of you regressing? i listened to a coheed and cambria song earlier
— rachel (@rachelmillman) August 17, 2020
6. History in the making
I could use a full book of facts like these.
pumpkins were invented in 1973 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys
— kim (@KimmyMonte) August 16, 2020
5. Working it out
Yeah, thanks for that.
To All The Boys I Ever Suggested Therapy To
— Bolu Babalola (@BeeBabs) August 16, 2020
4. Pressing pause
I can see the cogs turning behind your eyes.
When someone older pauses while speaking I think, ah yes, you’re putting two spaces after each period
— Karen Chee (@karencheee) August 20, 2020
3. At least I tried
I might have accidentally just made bread.
I just whipped up pancakes from scratch without a recipe. ?? (No, they were not good.)
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) August 16, 2020
2. Picture this
Everybody needs to leave this poor man alone, he’s just vibing.
me after begging my friends to take a picture of me pic.twitter.com/rm237EkQEw
— cai (@myhandsbecold) August 15, 2020
1. A lesson in tolerance
It only gets truer with every year that passes.
anyone who’s lactose intolerant have you considered being tolerant? seriously grow up it’s 2020
— brittany (@brittany_broski) August 17, 2020
And now Twitter time is over. But fear not – it shall strike again soon. When you least expect it.
Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter?
Tell us in the comments.