I don’t remember the entire Lord’s Prayer from my Sunday School days, but I’m pretty sure there was a part in there about asking the Lord for our daily tweets. Or was it bread? Did Jesus say “Let’s get this bread?” Is that communion?
Sorry, not to blaspheme, it’s just that getting a daily allotment of tweets is practically a religion for me at this point so it’s sort of sunk its way into my brain in place of a lot of other stuff.
Without further ado, let’s get this bread. I mean tweets.
10. Skip ahead
Surely this is what the Olympians themselves must have felt.
telling the song to “shut up” right before you skip it >>>>>
— Alfred (@fredtv_) January 16, 2021
9. I kneed your touch
After this it’s not gonna take much.
i'll probably get pregnant from a large hand on my knee when all this is all over
— Bolu Babalola (@BeeBabs) February 20, 2021
8. Fun in the sun
Well now he’s not the only one who’s gonna be hot.
i think my hot neighbor just saw me tell my plants to “have fun!!” as i put them outside to get some sun so that’s sick
— kate (@kaiteasley) February 24, 2021
7. Get your jollies
For me, it’ll probably be Reese’s Pieces. Not the entire Reece. Just a piece.
what candy are you gonna carry around in your purse when you hit 70? mines gonna be jolly ranchers
— sarah lugor! (@sarahlugor) February 23, 2021
6. From the jump
Our entire lives are being permanently catalogued, we’re all screwed.
if iMessage had memories like Snapchat I’d probably jump off a bridge ?
— ??ℯ??ℯ ? (@axellevanessa1) February 24, 2021
5. No, this is Patrick
And suddenly the Romance of that impossibly beautiful place is gone.
Why does Venice, Italy look like Patrick needing water pic.twitter.com/Py1WWhnMoI
— Tron Madden (@madden_tron) June 21, 2020
4. Just watch
DO NOT BETRAY US LIKE THIS. WE HAVE FEELINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE ANGER.
If your caption tells me to "watch 'til the end," and I watch 'til the end and nothing spectacular happens, I'll always remember how you betrayed my trust.
— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) February 20, 2021
3. Turnabout’s fair play
Yeah we are pretty screwed.
kind of a bummer to have been born at the very end of the Fuck Around century just to live the rest of my life in the Find Out century
— Thing Bad (@Merman_Melville) February 22, 2021
2. Explosive news
Now let’s all be cool here…but down the blue explosives…
I’m going to reveal the gender of a child every hour until my demands are met
— molly, trash queen (@chainchompist) February 23, 2021
1. Read for liftoff
Yeah, why does that happen?
i miss going to the airport and having sexual tension between you and anyone who's remotely your age
— rebecca jennings (@rebexxxxa) February 22, 2021
And with that, our daily tweets sustain us. Amen.
Who are your favorite people to follow on Twitter, and why?
Tell us all about them in the comments.